HOW TO GET SHIT DONE

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.

SHIT GOES ONE WAY
This is a point to always remember; shit goes one way: downwards and outwards. Think of a sewage system. Its one of the reasons guys on top see shitheads (they are heaping shit on you) and guys below see assholes (the ones heaping shit on them). What the point? Its better to be an asshole than a shithead. Work your way upwards and inwards (making inroads) and don’t be afraid of getting your hands dirty. Its what you get for working in a shit factory

CREATE WIN-WIN SITUATIONS
If you want people to come through, its best not appeal to their goodwill or gratitude. After all, even Jesus told us to never expect others to be grateful and humans are notoriously forgetful, especially when it suits them. Work on their lizard brain, responsive to survival and self-interest. The way to get to it is through value words and not logic: don’t ask how I know… if I tell you I will have to kill yah.

Casestudy: You spend on her, you get her.
I throw drinks, she puts out… you get the idea

KNOW SOMEONE WHO OWES YOU A FAVOR THEOREM
It is a simple but powerful theorem
Know someone who owes you a favor. They also know someone who owes them a favor and so on.
For K persons, know Person 1 who owes you a favor, who knows Person 2 who owes Person 1 a favor,… who knows Person k who will get the shit done for person k-1 whom he owes a favor.

HAVE THEM BY THE BALLS
We all know that the sphincter muscles relax when in extreme pain… if you didn’t follow, pain makes you shit yourself, and we want to get shit done. Ask any man the most painful kinda pain (am not a grammar school master) and most will agree it from a hit to the balls. Well, having people by the balls means you can apply the pressure when you need to, or even for fun. Bottom line: leverage, cleavage (no typo :-), leverage, leverage.

USE A LAXATIVE
If all else fails, create a situation whereby shit gets done your way, regardless of the shitee’s opinion. After all, you don’t decide when to make safcom richer when on laxatives (M-PESA). You have done things laxatively one time or another: Waking up at 5:30 to avoid caning in school, passing on your money and phone while a guy hugged you from behind none too gently, Ruto and Uhuru going to Hague….

DRY SPELLS AND POSTER FACES

Most people living in sub-Sahara Africa know exactly what a dry spell is: that time of the year, January( why the hell do all bad things have to be crammed in one month: school fees [am now a parent,hehehe, 4 kids, its back to school], being broke, dry spells etc), when everywhere is dusty and the grass on the other side is truly greener. All farmers complain of lack of water and how hard it is to survive. I do know that most of my readers cant tell a hoe from a whore and we are living in a global village so for the sake of not making the others feel left out and the topic relevant to all, I'm using it as an analogy. So without further ado, let start a crash course on dry spells and ways to deal with them.
Definition
Dry spell: A relatively long period in a region without moisture, rain etc with poor prospects of the same.
Assumptions: A long period is about 2 weeks and above.
The region is located below the waist and above the knees and unique to female humans.
The moisture is from something wet (highlanders) and the rain from a crater (ox-bow lakers).
In case you find yourself in the above situation, here are a few remedies:

Monkey Bars

You never miss the water till your well is running dry... to ensure that your well never runs dry, in case you are a guy, have more than one well (girlfriend), an oasis (that whoever who loves you unconditionally) and piped water(booty call). And never,ever break up with someone until you have the another in your grip, the way a monkey does with monkey bars, after which its on to the next one...

Poster Faces
Adhering to the philosophy of Taurus Riley, your dry spell is probably a result of not wanting what you getting. Considering your circumstances, you might want to review your standards:downwards. With the maxim beggars cant afford to be choosers in mind,it is time to aim low, literally and figuratively; aim very,veeery low.
However, this is a linear function: the lower you aim, the lesser your enthusiasm. Thus to avoid shame in the game, you have to work with your mind to keep the psyche up.
Simply put, plaster a poster of a hooooot gal on her face and imagine you are with her. The author is not liable for the consequences that follow this action

Professional Personal Issues Handler
Also know as whores, malaya, call girls etc. Enough said

Sex in a can
I am currently working on it(you can bet it will be a trillion dollar industry), but in the mean time, there are some less-than-satisfactory substitutes: Invest in a toolbox (dildos 4 ox-bow lakers, inflatable dolls 4 highlander), porn, vaseline... you get the gist

Join a monastery
It was a valid choice if your situation was hopeless but with all the waywards priests, you might want to reconsider.

I aint paid for this eish, am outta here