It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.
In one of those moments that inspire a man to take to the skies, albeit with arms for wings, I decided to practice the little philosophical principles I was trying to wrap my head around and came up with a method to make your life more profound and fun. These are the tenets of Alternate Thinking:
Revel at others stupidity.
No thoughts or better still, weird thoughts are good thoughts.
Do not reason, malreason.
You could try and act normal, but its usually not worth the effort or as fun
Its takes discipline to master Alternate Thinking for you must switch back to normal thinking at will, but it’s such an experience you do not want to go back to normal.
Here are a few examples of my Alter Experiences:
MAN JAILED FOR BEASTILITY
The animal in question was a goat, which is why I prefer chicken. As expected of a civilized society (The polished horde, made of two mighty tribes, the Bores and the Bored. Not my words), this caused an outcry and baying for blood, and not the goat’s. What I was wishing for however was the goat to suddenly acquire speech; and what stories it would tell.
Reporter: "what happened on the given day Milky?"
Milky: "He lured me with some fodder into the pen (sobs)"
Reporter: "Then what happened (looking at milky with a somber expression, though if you looked closely you could see the dollar signs in her eyes)?"
Reporter: "(Milky hesitates) what transpired Milky?"
Milky: "He came in with the milking can which I thought was odd for it was not milking time. Then he started caressing my udder with suggestive motions...."
At this point, the lecturer called out my name and I had to snap out of my reverie and back to normal mode.
LARGE TRACTS OF LAND IN MAU OWNED BY GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS
In a land filled with the destitute and the under-privileged, it comes to one as a shock that people allocated themselves hectares of land in Kenya's most important water catchment area. The moral aspect of the issue notwithstanding, blatant greed and sheer plunder in a country faced with hunger and squatters, for we can safely assume the concerned parties have not an iota of moral juice, one would have to be extremely thick skulled to not realize the environmental consequences of their action; the common mwananchi was caught in the in the path of two warring bulls, a moment best described as when an unstoppable force (stupidity) meets an immovable object(nature) .
What I was asking myself however was whether any of this self anointed demi-gods would be buried in a grave an acre wide, and how that would be achieved; burning, chopping to pieces.... my Alternate Thinking really picked up from this point, going off this vein for quite some time.
CHOLERA OUTBREAK
I had been watching Jack Buer being missed my automatic gunfire from several quarters yet kill all the ‘bad guys’ with a boomerang (24), and this is how I imagined a cholera patient's drama.
The following takes place between 12:00 and 12:25
12:01 (Great rumbling noise, like a building crumbling down in a cloud of grey cement dust. Camera zooms in to the patient's stomach, which is the source of the sound).
Patient Zero: “Oh I need my medicine”.
The patient streaks out of the room, throwing away his coat as he races. Patient Zero is slow motioned as he prepares to dive; He dives through an open toilet door, turning as he instantaneously lowers his trousers. Halfway through the turn, his guts cannot hold it in anymore, and he paints abstract art in the toilet.
Forgot to inform you the episode’s PG Rating: Never Watch.
WHAT THE FRUIT
Someone, I can’t exactly recall who but he was prominent, once said that few are as open-minded as we think we are. This harsh reality was recently confirmed when proposing a better way to approach a project to my supervisor was met with this very candid and accommodating reply: You can go off on any tangent and do it as you see fit as long as you follow these guidelines. The guidelines so restricting I couldn’t swat a fly off my @$$ if I needed to. I was recently asked what I thought of lesbianism, and since two women fucking is like two women knitting (Mario Puzo), I replied I was ok with it, and would support it if I was allowed to watch and occasionally participate. Then it was inquired what I thought of homosexuality. There are some lines that can never be crossed, and even in this life where the only constant is change, there are absolutes: physical absolutes like gravity.
So what do I think we should do about gay men? Sending them to jail is like punishing a kid by locking her in a chocolate factory or Disney world. This is where alternate Thinking comes in: Why not create a guillotine? If it’s your eye that makes you sin……
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
EVOLUTION AND REVOLUTION
It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.
If you are a proponent of the theory of evolution and apply it as I do, what I am to write is something obvious to you. I have many reasons to believe evolution took place, for the stupidity I witness can only be attributed to miscreant leftover genes from our apes’ ancestors activating if humans were to remain intelligent creatures. Correcting for personal bias (I am open-minded like that), you will surely have noticed that the times have changed: Gone are the wide-eyed romance stories told by the fireside that beat any silhouette novel hands down (I became interested in literature pretty young). Your eyes simply teared. Damn this smoke!
She and your dad met while he was a broke bachelor, with a stool and a bed as his sole possessions. How they learnt what sukuma-wiki really meant and working hard saved enough so you can now demand nothing short of Shangri-la matters when it comes to your heart. The bliss of youth; recall ignorance is bliss. Pretend to have read my other articles (and if you did kudos) and surmised that I abhor gold-diggers, but even I have to admit that as the times have changed, so have the benchmarks and scales on which women measure and weigh us (make no mistake; you are weighed, measured, and if not lucky like me, mostly found wanting). I shall provide a quick rundown of these changed benchmarks.
Bravery
Urban Vibez: Go-Getter
Back in the day, sorry, stone age, women wanted someone who came back with the battle’s loot and could hold down the fort in case of an attack. My guess is this was the beginning of the Kenyan Bimbo stereotype of an ideal man: Tall and dark. I don’t know about the tall, but dark was essential if one was to blend in with the dark and whisk away the other village’s girl by the stream at twilight. The women who are a step ahead of the rest of us in our current enlightenment however (read gold-diggers and whores) go for a differently qualified man: Pot-bellied with a second-hand car and if he has several businesses and estates, the better. First seek the kingdom of richesneous, and most women shall be yours as well.
Village Hero
Urban-Vibez: Celeb
I recall reading a book about a boy whose cow was rustled (its cattle rustling right?) and how he used his awesome tracking skills and retrieved the beloved cow using his sling to immobilize the enemy, incidentally armed with guns. I remember it for although I really enjoyed it, I was disappointed by its ending, for all he got for his heroics was a feast. In my remixed version, I could visualize the girl who would offer me her garden’s maiden fruits (fresh firm oranges she had just harvested from her thriving backyard garden) while trying to create holographic images of some of silhouette vivid descriptions.
Today, raiding is not a viable economic activity and everyone needs their village hero. Enter the celeb. In many ways, they are like the village hero: Well known, flamboyant and love to hear other sing and create pose of their deeds. The similarities end there: Most have done nothing worth writing about and are well known not for protecting their villages but for flashing boobs on stage and revealing their stupidity in the name of an attitude in public. Fair trade for most people I guess.
Village Baby Pusher
Urban Vibez: Whore, Gold-digger etc.
The term was as a consequence of ineffective birth control methods, an enormous libido coupled with minute self-control and material greed often resulting to a crowd of children. Then it was clothes, jewelry graduating to herds of cattle and a mud hut. Nowadays clothes, jewelry, cars and a suburbia mansion will do. Sometimes evolution results only in surface changes of our desires or their getting bigger.
This is where the principle of action and reaction and yin-yen balance come in; the consequences are greater too. Then it was a horde of children and becoming the village pariah. Today it’s STIs, AIDS, pimps, cops and stigmatization. Next time we have a national disaster caused by blind leadership, a good diversion might be the need to reform the first profession’s industry rules and working conditions.
Dowry
Urban vibez: Money, Cheddar etc.
It was paramount that before you could ask a maiden’s hand in marriage, you ensure that your father could afford to pay the dowry and if not:
a) Work until you can afford to do it yourself
b) Elope with the maiden
c) Be a bachelor
Today, most women will not hear of dowry being paid to their parents, much to the relief of the struggling brother. What he did not ask was why, and had he done it, he would not have been given the correct answer: Because most women have the intention of collecting it themselves. By the way C was not much of an option then, but I put it there as much to remind you as myself that it is an option.
If you require me to point out the relationship between finance and today’s romance, try reading something with pictures and butterfly drawings.
WHAT THE FRUIT
People are constantly drawing parallels between apes' mating behavior and ours: the male giving the female grub for sex. First of all, am not an Effing monkey and secondly, how about men retrogress back to clubbing you over the head, only now we can use sleeping darts and chloroform? Never try to convince anyone to do anything because an animal does it, and if you are a believer in animal unpretentious ways, why don’t you take all the clothes off and run cooing around? The mental image is not too bad for a hot gal really.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.
If you are a proponent of the theory of evolution and apply it as I do, what I am to write is something obvious to you. I have many reasons to believe evolution took place, for the stupidity I witness can only be attributed to miscreant leftover genes from our apes’ ancestors activating if humans were to remain intelligent creatures. Correcting for personal bias (I am open-minded like that), you will surely have noticed that the times have changed: Gone are the wide-eyed romance stories told by the fireside that beat any silhouette novel hands down (I became interested in literature pretty young). Your eyes simply teared. Damn this smoke!
She and your dad met while he was a broke bachelor, with a stool and a bed as his sole possessions. How they learnt what sukuma-wiki really meant and working hard saved enough so you can now demand nothing short of Shangri-la matters when it comes to your heart. The bliss of youth; recall ignorance is bliss. Pretend to have read my other articles (and if you did kudos) and surmised that I abhor gold-diggers, but even I have to admit that as the times have changed, so have the benchmarks and scales on which women measure and weigh us (make no mistake; you are weighed, measured, and if not lucky like me, mostly found wanting). I shall provide a quick rundown of these changed benchmarks.
Bravery
Urban Vibez: Go-Getter
Back in the day, sorry, stone age, women wanted someone who came back with the battle’s loot and could hold down the fort in case of an attack. My guess is this was the beginning of the Kenyan Bimbo stereotype of an ideal man: Tall and dark. I don’t know about the tall, but dark was essential if one was to blend in with the dark and whisk away the other village’s girl by the stream at twilight. The women who are a step ahead of the rest of us in our current enlightenment however (read gold-diggers and whores) go for a differently qualified man: Pot-bellied with a second-hand car and if he has several businesses and estates, the better. First seek the kingdom of richesneous, and most women shall be yours as well.
Village Hero
Urban-Vibez: Celeb
I recall reading a book about a boy whose cow was rustled (its cattle rustling right?) and how he used his awesome tracking skills and retrieved the beloved cow using his sling to immobilize the enemy, incidentally armed with guns. I remember it for although I really enjoyed it, I was disappointed by its ending, for all he got for his heroics was a feast. In my remixed version, I could visualize the girl who would offer me her garden’s maiden fruits (fresh firm oranges she had just harvested from her thriving backyard garden) while trying to create holographic images of some of silhouette vivid descriptions.
Today, raiding is not a viable economic activity and everyone needs their village hero. Enter the celeb. In many ways, they are like the village hero: Well known, flamboyant and love to hear other sing and create pose of their deeds. The similarities end there: Most have done nothing worth writing about and are well known not for protecting their villages but for flashing boobs on stage and revealing their stupidity in the name of an attitude in public. Fair trade for most people I guess.
Village Baby Pusher
Urban Vibez: Whore, Gold-digger etc.
The term was as a consequence of ineffective birth control methods, an enormous libido coupled with minute self-control and material greed often resulting to a crowd of children. Then it was clothes, jewelry graduating to herds of cattle and a mud hut. Nowadays clothes, jewelry, cars and a suburbia mansion will do. Sometimes evolution results only in surface changes of our desires or their getting bigger.
This is where the principle of action and reaction and yin-yen balance come in; the consequences are greater too. Then it was a horde of children and becoming the village pariah. Today it’s STIs, AIDS, pimps, cops and stigmatization. Next time we have a national disaster caused by blind leadership, a good diversion might be the need to reform the first profession’s industry rules and working conditions.
Dowry
Urban vibez: Money, Cheddar etc.
It was paramount that before you could ask a maiden’s hand in marriage, you ensure that your father could afford to pay the dowry and if not:
a) Work until you can afford to do it yourself
b) Elope with the maiden
c) Be a bachelor
Today, most women will not hear of dowry being paid to their parents, much to the relief of the struggling brother. What he did not ask was why, and had he done it, he would not have been given the correct answer: Because most women have the intention of collecting it themselves. By the way C was not much of an option then, but I put it there as much to remind you as myself that it is an option.
If you require me to point out the relationship between finance and today’s romance, try reading something with pictures and butterfly drawings.
WHAT THE FRUIT
People are constantly drawing parallels between apes' mating behavior and ours: the male giving the female grub for sex. First of all, am not an Effing monkey and secondly, how about men retrogress back to clubbing you over the head, only now we can use sleeping darts and chloroform? Never try to convince anyone to do anything because an animal does it, and if you are a believer in animal unpretentious ways, why don’t you take all the clothes off and run cooing around? The mental image is not too bad for a hot gal really.
VENUS VS MARS
It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.
The question has been asked, who is stronger, and who is greater? I, being a man, will of course say men, but looking at literature, it was Helen not Hector who caused the battle of Troy; religion clearly states that man was to be the master of all the world and creatures in it. So the real question is, are women creatures? I shall not go on in this vein for fear of alienating my fairer sex readers, but rather point out a different angle to the problem: who is stronger or greater than a man and a woman brought together by love, sex and romance? For its well known that man’s greatest motivation is his desire to please a woman, from the Stone Age hunter to the modern age executive.
We have all heard that behind every successful man there is a woman, and many are disappointed when they look over the man’s shoulder and see no one. What they do not know is the fact that almost all men who have achieved greatness are inspired one way or the other by a woman, though it might not necessary be at their moment of greatness: Obama, Shakespeare, me. The influence could be from various sources: Mothers, girlfriends, spouses or even a woman a man has his eyes on or one who ditched or tuned him down. Below are some of the most noteworthy inventions made by men and I shall provide the woman behind inspiration.
Clothing
We can all agree that clothes were primarily a western invention; the most probable cause of their discovery being the size of the Caucasian male, his African counterpart perfectly at ease and swaying with the breeze with no pants. The other reason that comes to mind was though man is a visual creature, imagination is still his most potent aphrodisiac, and with the astounding technological advancements in the agricultural sector in Mesopotamia resulting in better food security, some things were just better left to the imagination.
Telephone
This invention can be attributed to several characteristics in men:
1. The desire to have a backup plan, known in other words as a booty call.
2. Men being pathological liars needed a device to say they were held up in a meeting while they were off soothing and wooing the backup plan.
3. The desire to call up the woman at anytime and depending on how long she took to answer, determine if there was a rat that ruled when the cat left.
Motor Vehicle
This one should be pretty obvious: It was so that a man could reach his woman in the least time possible, or make a quick getaway if seeing another’s man woman. Recent improvements in this invention have resulted in the car being a place of romantic escapades. Vroom!!
Birth Control
When polygamy was not an issue, a man was content with bowing to whims of the monthly cycle simply by being on a high rotation timetable with several women. However, women decided to mess with the balance of things and the reason of ratios and numbers and demanded one man, one woman. Necessity is the mother of invention: Man came up with condoms, birth control pills and contraceptives and knowing fully well that no woman will take them simply to sate his appetite, he pulled one of the few Trojan horses we have put past women: he introduced them under the title women empowerment and choice. Sex inspires genius.
Internet
The greatest invention by man yet, and you will see why in a moment. It’s a portal to pictures, descriptions, videos and profiles of women from different backgrounds, races and sizes, some of whom we would never have known were it not for the internet (Men know their porn stars like women know their soaps slimy actors). It lets a man indulge in all his fantasies in the safety of his home. Add to that email and social sites that further enable his conniving ways while leaving no trail behind like messages and mails and you can start to see the capabilities and possibilities offered by this invention.
Viagra
I tend to believe that the pharmaceutical industry was a result of the pursuit of Viagra. No one invention best shows how sexual desire drives and inspires a man as does this drug and many others in its category.
WHAT THE FRUIT?
I recently had the opportunity to be involved in a brainstorming session come up with a great business plan, and could not believe it when my plan was shot down, unanimously I might add. For I had come up with the greatest idea of all time: R&D in coming up with canned sex. Imagine the demand for the product. Not to speak of people who will become hooked to canned sex. Why can’t people recognize a great idea when they see one?
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.
The question has been asked, who is stronger, and who is greater? I, being a man, will of course say men, but looking at literature, it was Helen not Hector who caused the battle of Troy; religion clearly states that man was to be the master of all the world and creatures in it. So the real question is, are women creatures? I shall not go on in this vein for fear of alienating my fairer sex readers, but rather point out a different angle to the problem: who is stronger or greater than a man and a woman brought together by love, sex and romance? For its well known that man’s greatest motivation is his desire to please a woman, from the Stone Age hunter to the modern age executive.
We have all heard that behind every successful man there is a woman, and many are disappointed when they look over the man’s shoulder and see no one. What they do not know is the fact that almost all men who have achieved greatness are inspired one way or the other by a woman, though it might not necessary be at their moment of greatness: Obama, Shakespeare, me. The influence could be from various sources: Mothers, girlfriends, spouses or even a woman a man has his eyes on or one who ditched or tuned him down. Below are some of the most noteworthy inventions made by men and I shall provide the woman behind inspiration.
Clothing
We can all agree that clothes were primarily a western invention; the most probable cause of their discovery being the size of the Caucasian male, his African counterpart perfectly at ease and swaying with the breeze with no pants. The other reason that comes to mind was though man is a visual creature, imagination is still his most potent aphrodisiac, and with the astounding technological advancements in the agricultural sector in Mesopotamia resulting in better food security, some things were just better left to the imagination.
Telephone
This invention can be attributed to several characteristics in men:
1. The desire to have a backup plan, known in other words as a booty call.
2. Men being pathological liars needed a device to say they were held up in a meeting while they were off soothing and wooing the backup plan.
3. The desire to call up the woman at anytime and depending on how long she took to answer, determine if there was a rat that ruled when the cat left.
Motor Vehicle
This one should be pretty obvious: It was so that a man could reach his woman in the least time possible, or make a quick getaway if seeing another’s man woman. Recent improvements in this invention have resulted in the car being a place of romantic escapades. Vroom!!
Birth Control
When polygamy was not an issue, a man was content with bowing to whims of the monthly cycle simply by being on a high rotation timetable with several women. However, women decided to mess with the balance of things and the reason of ratios and numbers and demanded one man, one woman. Necessity is the mother of invention: Man came up with condoms, birth control pills and contraceptives and knowing fully well that no woman will take them simply to sate his appetite, he pulled one of the few Trojan horses we have put past women: he introduced them under the title women empowerment and choice. Sex inspires genius.
Internet
The greatest invention by man yet, and you will see why in a moment. It’s a portal to pictures, descriptions, videos and profiles of women from different backgrounds, races and sizes, some of whom we would never have known were it not for the internet (Men know their porn stars like women know their soaps slimy actors). It lets a man indulge in all his fantasies in the safety of his home. Add to that email and social sites that further enable his conniving ways while leaving no trail behind like messages and mails and you can start to see the capabilities and possibilities offered by this invention.
Viagra
I tend to believe that the pharmaceutical industry was a result of the pursuit of Viagra. No one invention best shows how sexual desire drives and inspires a man as does this drug and many others in its category.
WHAT THE FRUIT?
I recently had the opportunity to be involved in a brainstorming session come up with a great business plan, and could not believe it when my plan was shot down, unanimously I might add. For I had come up with the greatest idea of all time: R&D in coming up with canned sex. Imagine the demand for the product. Not to speak of people who will become hooked to canned sex. Why can’t people recognize a great idea when they see one?
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