CHANGING THE WORLD MY ASSET!!!

THE GREY AREA
It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.

 If you are anything like me, I know there is a very little chance of that but it’s worth the try, then you are as mightily pissed off by swollen-headed, self-conceited, vain humans who brand themselves as artists and have the nerve to stand in front of a camera and shamelessly proclaim to the whole world how they will, and have, changed the world.

When it’s pointed out that what they are doing is called earning their upkeep, they shamelessly say "it’s not about the money, it’s all about the art and what I wanted to do". Pleeeassseee then if you love your art so much why not get a job, do your art at free time and give it away or at least don’t charge me an arm, a leg, an eye and a ball for a canvas with some paints? Normal people too have things they would like to do, called hobbies, and you do them at their free time. I want to be a millionaire, and am having rotten luck with that. It’s all about the money baby!!!

Am not trying to downplay the impact of artists in our lives: what will we do without Soulja Boy’s Marco Polo after barely escaping with our lives after being caught in a shootout? What I abhor is Britney Spears saying she wants to change the world. The only thing she will be changing any time soon is diapers, whether she wants it or not. 

All people do have an impact in the world, yes, but there is no room for the self-deluding in my heart. We all have heard the line I am changing the world in a small way. Now that a line used by all losers and low self-esteemed people to make themselves feel better and to feed their malnourished egos. Picking up a paper does not change the world: the paper is simply transferred from the sidewalk to a landfill. If you had eaten the paper, now that would have changed your world!!

Listed below are some of the people or groups of people who should refrain from using the cliché:

Musicians

 Your throwing in of a line on global warming in your song and then flying halfway across the world in a personal jet did not, I repeat, did not reduce the amount of green house gases in the atmosphere and neither did your telling me to read books instead of listening to the radio (how then was I supposed to get the damn message?). If you start a social hall in your neighborhood, now that changes lives. If you want us to read, open libraries we can access, otherwise shut the fcuk up and make those self-serving and exalting songs we shall listen to when we want to escape our sorrows and leave advice to the pros.

Artists

In this category am talking to painters, sculptors mainly because they make easier targets, and also because I fall in the other category of writers, playwrights and bloggers. Ha! Splashing colours and paints on a canvas does not in any way change the world, in fact your adding to the pollutants in the environment and the mind (more on that in a later article if I get round to it), nor does it help anyone, except of course you, who ends up with a big hefty paycheck. Changing a slab of stone to an animal-looking thingy I would agree is of aesthetic value but I digress on its importance to human civilization and advancement. A sculpture never helped a starving man, unless he is the sculptor, and is what my grandmother would call a fool’s endeavor: wasting so much effort that could have been put to better use working on a farm.

Athletes

I may stay up all night watching the grand slam, the IRB sevens or the Champion’s League, but I would advice you to reduce the quantity of hallucinogens you are taking if you think a WWE superstar impacts in any way on my life (why are they called superstars? Only young boys and a few psycho men know them). Sports might change the world. (Keyword: might. Let me research that one first. I have shot myself enough times in the foot and have no intention of shooting my leg too). Athletes don’t. 

YOU DIGG!!!

So you are all wondering, who then changes the world. I will give you some examples:

Wangari Mathai changed the world.

Nelson Mandela changed the world.

Einstein changed the world. 
Shaka Zulu changed the world.
Osama changed the world.
Bush changed the world for the worse.
Martin Luther King changed the world.
Churchill, not the comedian, changed the world.
Hitler did change the world.

Anyone with a single or a painting out there who feels they should be on this list?

  What the Fruit?!

I was recently dragged to an art gallery against my will, purportedly to help me appreciate life, emotions and struggles frozen in canvas (not my word). What I did appreciate was the luxury money affords one, for the buyers, did I tell you we were there to just watch? And Federer was playing against Nadal? , were doling out money for paintings which if given to me, would end up in a trash bin and the frame sold for a few shillings. One suspiciously looked as if the painter had simply taken paint and thrown it on the canvas. Which he indeed confirmed as true saying it signified the chaos and randomness in life. Let’s try that shall we?
Dfasfsdf gfsdfgdfg gfhgfhfj ewrqwerytyuj 345645 gfhj76i67856ghfsghghhfj thyeyu6er rtwerttwert ertwe
Was that a master piece of a sentence or what? 

THE WORST KEPT SECRET: PART ONE

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.

This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.

Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.

I have been discussing with a few of my female colleagues/ friends exactly what men and women want in this life, and especially in relationships. I agree am no expert at this, at the risk of being torn apart by the pack of hounds that constitutes my close friends who can sniff out any weakness and use it ruthlessly against you, but am certain in the knowledge of my manhood and so this is the list of what I know I Want, and what other men told me they want when I carried out some research (guess the method of data collection and the field area). This is the worst kept secret in the world, and I am hoping to make it even more so.
I have tried to keep it as concise as possible, and skipping the really ribald stuff (of course it was there), this are some of the things. And without further ado, ladies and gentlemen……………….

GIVE ME SPACE

If you ever listened to anything your physics teacher said, you probably remember that matter occupies space, and reducing the space a body occupies causes an increase in pressure. A psychiatrist will tell you pressure increases irritability, which causes arguments. Common sense dictates that arguments are bad for any relationship, especially anger-driven ones.

Proof
Maxim 1: Arguments are bad for a relationship.
Theorem 1: If space reduces, pressure increases.
  If pressure increases, irritability increases, resulting in more arguments.
  Therefore, the more space you give a man, the better the relationship.

YOU DIGG!!!!
In essence, what this means is let me do my thing: hit the books, hang out with the boys, that kind of thing. Just because I took you to lunch yesterday does not mean I want to go to lunch with you every day. Nothing gets a man running faster than a clingy, egocentric woman. We love freedom (one of the reasons we prefer boxers), and if you intend to take away a man’s freedom either have massive firepower (Guantanamo bay comes to mind), or do it slowly and in a way that don’t leave him feeling short-changed.
3 calls a week is plenty (how many times will I call you if we get married if it’s daily now?), a meal 2 times a week good enough and a weekly heart-to-heart with low lights and slow music perfect, and if you make it fortnightly, heavenly.  
There must be an exception that proves the rule, and in this case it’s the sleepovers (I told you am not an expert at this. I still love sleepovers). This is the one area that a man will not mind even if you hog all his free time. Open your palm and the sand will stay in your arms. Try to close your fist around it and it will pour through your fingers

BE A LADY IN THE STREETS

Ever noticed the flirty, sleazy girl never has a long lasting relationship? She does get many more dances, but after the dance, she walks alone on her way home. How do you expect me to keep you on my side if all you do is flirt with other men in the club, at the pool, anywhere?! Were I to wake up and find you in my arms, I want to believe it’s because of my irresistible charm, because we clicked, or something to that tune. If you act sleazy, I won’t necessarily turn you down; after all opportunity only knocks once ama?
 Don’t turn up with a microscopic dress on our way to church. Don’t say fcuk when around strangers: the reason you are not embarrassed is because am embarrassed enough for the two of us. Act like a lady…. All I need is an act.

BE A LIBERAL

And am not referring to your politicalpersuasion or outlook here. I mean be open minded to, you know, stuff. We are visual creatures and the thing with visual people even in normal life is that they fantasize; a lot. I know there will be boundaries of course but do indulge me now and then.
The exception to the rule: more than the two of us when there is more than one of us.

WHAT THE Fruit?

I was recently reminiscing over my personal troubles when I saw one of those moments that totally wreck your train of thoughts, resulting in major causalities. Apparently two fully asset grown men were crying over a chic that had played them. As they discussed, or rather whined, over their troubles I managed to get the damsel in limelight number, but that’s a story for another day. The question that was on the forefront of my mind was; where was the pride of these two sissies? Where were the times when two men would fight over anything; soccer, beer brand or Angelina Jolie vs. Salma Hayek, but never over a woman? Truly how do you make a man of a Celelac-mutant, overgrown boy? Its time boys out there tainting the name of men learnt the commandments of being a man, one of which is never fight another man over a woman, unless she’s your mother; at least not when she can see you both. Get him the next day for hitting you: never mind it was over her, he hit you man!! The man world is complex boy!!!