No matter how much of a pacifist you are, as long as you frequent places with high crowds of people who are unusually excited, and thus most likely inebriated (people love getting high, or is it just me), you will likely witness a brawl over some trivial misconstrued affront. Ego, women and nature top the men’s list, and for women, the most common but least expressed reason is that the other woman is prettier, classier and usually younger: Incoming menopause can be a real female dog. So far, things are going great, who needs cable TV when you got live action and you decide you need to get a better look.
That’s one of the absolute donts of the Brawl 101. The reason is simple: Human beings are animals, thus travel in packs, are prone to herd mentality, and above all, love a good old fashioned thumping, especially if they are not on the receiving end. If you move closer, you will get caught up in some action you merely wished to watch, because the other pack members will always swoop in to help one of their own, resulting in the fight escalating, and due to your curiosity, legendary for killing cats, being caught up in it. Herd mentality makes everyone want a piece of the action, and good old fashioned thumping makes you a prime target with your attention else.
If, however you get in a brawl, here are a few rules of thumbs.
Stopping keeping rules of thumbs
This is not the time to be philosophical and when a fist is headed towards your mouth, that’s not the time to try out interpersonal skills. It could be bad for hygiene and doesn’t reveal your know-how on body language in such great light. Survival mode requires way lesser brains cells, which might explain why alcohol induces I-AM-JET-LI hallucinations (usually with catastrophic results), and the more the brain is left out of it, trust in reflex action and adrenaline, the better. You don’t want to be worrying about a P3 form as you punch someone’s face; takes all the fun out of it. Focus.
Don’t fight with an ugly person
The only way they could get attention on the playground was bullying and fighting, which means they are probably more experienced in ass-kicking than you. More importantly, they got nothing to lose.
Know thine enemy
You don’t want to fight a martial expert, you could probably make a career as a human punch bag, neither do you want to pick a fight with someone who has 20 friends, all of whom look like they eat your weekly food portions in one sitting. It goes without saying that if your opponent knows the bouncers or is bigger than you; it’s time to apply the next rule.
Know all points of exits
The reasons are varied; a fire, police raid, imagined alien abduction/invasion (matters what you took), a quick getaway. A brawl is not the time to be a hero. If things start to go south, scatter like points a scatter diagram.
And above all
Fight hard, fight like you mad, and fight dirty
This is not the time to be a gentleman, your being in a brawl takes care of that, and if it helps you to win, do it. Hit below belts and aim for the nipples, bite and scratch, swing a bottle and stab, shoot and blow away…. It’s been a rough week.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
LONE WOLF SYNDROME
Most people find it vexing when I tell them exactly what’s on my mind. My shrink calls it lack of a social filter, not to be mistaken with motor mouth which is just plain annoying (and which most people, namely –use ratios to compute-, seem to suffer from) . I am not one to mince words. Here is an example:
“Yeah, the dress looks great and you are 3 sizes smaller”
Or “Can we just cut to the chase and go dry hump? It’s the least you can do seeing as it is you wasted my whole night.”
I cannot stand the preening, social posturing and stupidity which seems to thrive like yeast in ferment milk in large numbers and gatherings of people, football matches and political rallies provided as case studies, a trait found in lower creatures known as herd mentality; thus I prefer to keep others at a distance, better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know who might infect you with herpes, except on those occasions when human contact is necessary, say on the dance floor or a paid for strip tease on your bachelor party (It’s one of the reasons people get married incidentally). However, this syndrome has not developed based solely on personal traits and bias but with a mixture of learnt mistrust of human beings and a revulsion to their greed and glee at others misery; For despite what you think, man is not above killing his fellow man for money, women, land and other material things considered worth more than a man’s life and often for much less. I never heard of a hyena tearing off its young limbs for eating the left-over bone, yet women, the epitome of human gentleness and selflessness, are known to brand their children with hot irons for pocketing 20 shillings change. If that’s how you treat your child, am not sure I can even trust you to not bite off my tongue if we kiss.
I prefer to rely on myself, so that in case of failure, I have no one to blame, and in the more than assured case of success, well, having to share my glory and rewards with no one. I am more inclined to swimming and lawn tennis as opposed to team sports; the reason I love programming is because no one is hovering over my shoulder telling me what to do, following orders never having been my forte, or having to rely on someone’s expertise for the patient to get off the surgery table. I am a born dreamer, preferring to slip off to other worlds and alter dimensions offered by reading, art, cyberspace and I discovered recently, meditation (All those wasted years!).
Here is a rundown of why I prefer to have many friends on Facebook and MySpace but a close band of a few number of friends who I know will help me put out the fire on my hat (I do not have a hut, so it will have to do), and if you are not on the list, I wrote it while in another plane of consciousness, and that is my excuse.
PEACOCKS
It seems like everyone hates hearing how well you are doing, because mostly we don’t care and also because deep down we are jealous, which is what you intended when you came bragging to us in the first place. If you are so successful, don’t you have to be somewhere doing what it is pompous asses do (I am guessing farting and diarrhoea, for you surely suffer from a bad case of verbal diarrhoea). These creatures will brag everywhere: funerals, harambees and chang’aa joints (which leaves one wondering what they are doing there instead of Vegas). If you fall in this category, you need to surround yourself with a bunch of imbeciles who can sing your praises all night long. How exactly does my knowing you make a million help me? If you have nothing mutually beneficial, informative or amusing to say, be reminded silence is golden.
WILD DOGS
They travel in packs, are very dangerous and make a great deal of noise, but when cornered individually, are simply pathetic and run with their tail between their legs.
HYENAS
These are well known scavengers, never going in for the kill but always ready to swoop in when you are down and under.
“Yeah, the dress looks great and you are 3 sizes smaller”
Or “Can we just cut to the chase and go dry hump? It’s the least you can do seeing as it is you wasted my whole night.”
I cannot stand the preening, social posturing and stupidity which seems to thrive like yeast in ferment milk in large numbers and gatherings of people, football matches and political rallies provided as case studies, a trait found in lower creatures known as herd mentality; thus I prefer to keep others at a distance, better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know who might infect you with herpes, except on those occasions when human contact is necessary, say on the dance floor or a paid for strip tease on your bachelor party (It’s one of the reasons people get married incidentally). However, this syndrome has not developed based solely on personal traits and bias but with a mixture of learnt mistrust of human beings and a revulsion to their greed and glee at others misery; For despite what you think, man is not above killing his fellow man for money, women, land and other material things considered worth more than a man’s life and often for much less. I never heard of a hyena tearing off its young limbs for eating the left-over bone, yet women, the epitome of human gentleness and selflessness, are known to brand their children with hot irons for pocketing 20 shillings change. If that’s how you treat your child, am not sure I can even trust you to not bite off my tongue if we kiss.
I prefer to rely on myself, so that in case of failure, I have no one to blame, and in the more than assured case of success, well, having to share my glory and rewards with no one. I am more inclined to swimming and lawn tennis as opposed to team sports; the reason I love programming is because no one is hovering over my shoulder telling me what to do, following orders never having been my forte, or having to rely on someone’s expertise for the patient to get off the surgery table. I am a born dreamer, preferring to slip off to other worlds and alter dimensions offered by reading, art, cyberspace and I discovered recently, meditation (All those wasted years!).
Here is a rundown of why I prefer to have many friends on Facebook and MySpace but a close band of a few number of friends who I know will help me put out the fire on my hat (I do not have a hut, so it will have to do), and if you are not on the list, I wrote it while in another plane of consciousness, and that is my excuse.
PEACOCKS
It seems like everyone hates hearing how well you are doing, because mostly we don’t care and also because deep down we are jealous, which is what you intended when you came bragging to us in the first place. If you are so successful, don’t you have to be somewhere doing what it is pompous asses do (I am guessing farting and diarrhoea, for you surely suffer from a bad case of verbal diarrhoea). These creatures will brag everywhere: funerals, harambees and chang’aa joints (which leaves one wondering what they are doing there instead of Vegas). If you fall in this category, you need to surround yourself with a bunch of imbeciles who can sing your praises all night long. How exactly does my knowing you make a million help me? If you have nothing mutually beneficial, informative or amusing to say, be reminded silence is golden.
WILD DOGS
They travel in packs, are very dangerous and make a great deal of noise, but when cornered individually, are simply pathetic and run with their tail between their legs.
HYENAS
These are well known scavengers, never going in for the kill but always ready to swoop in when you are down and under.
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