Geeks Women's List

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Many lists have been written on what women wish men knew, what men wish women knew and well, this list is not that new: It is what every geek wish women knew, and sorry to disappoint, no, it not a list of the most sexy women as determined by geeks. Without further ado:

Specs Matter

In a utopian world, we are not judged by our looks, station in life and so on. However, Earth is preeety far from being a utopian world, and like it or not, you are weighed on a scale, usually 1-10. I mean, facebook is literally a result of that. You should really not take it to hurt (I'm sic of this) that you are described as an iBoob nano or having 256 MB RAM: Geeks, hereby after referred to as we, are eccentric, and, Ripley's moment (believe it or not ), there exists a geek such that the geek loves you for you.

No geek worth his salt or sugar rush will go for aesthetics (unless there are commensurate

returns ;) for we rather tend to concentrate on the core architecture. Its great to be with a 10 on the beauty scale and undefined in intelligence (js showoff) for a short while but amazing to be with a 10 in intelligence over a period of time. As a geek, I personally have the Mrs' and mistress' properties all figured out.

While you can can't really do much about looks (I keep forgetting cosmetic surgery exists in this era and as for make-up, we got experience with photoshop remember ?), all it takes to raise the intelligence scale is picking up a book, reading my blog, reading my other blog, reading my other, other blog... in short, just read.

It really is an easy call between intelligent conversation for the rest of our lives with my wife or enjoying nyondo kurungara a la gravity defying boobs for 2 decades, tops (pun intended). As wisely noted by Goethe, conversation is the most sublime of human experiences

Electronics and You

There was no mistake in the ordering of the sub-title: It's the actual reflection of how indispensable to my life but not how I feel about you; being a logical guy, I try to keep emotions out of it. Time shall be shared fairly between gadgets and the lady, keeping in mind fairly does not mean equally. None shall take the time slot of the other. Just to put it in perspective:

If you are hanging off a cliff, and all you needed was a damn to save you and I had a pocketful of damns and you said “Honey, please give me a damn” as I was interacting with my inanimate, silicon-based friend, I shall be tempted to say “You know I don't give a damn”. If you did not recognize that, you definitely are not a geek or lack a sense of humor.

Wii and me

We will always come first (except when, you know ;) but never ever interrupt an ongoing game, in-the-zone coding session, movie, anime... the list is endless, but a rule of the thumb is if you call me twice and I don't respond, text me. If I don't reply soon... enough said

Importance Vs Priority

You are the most, ok that a blatant lie right three, one of the most, important things and person in my life. That said, one of the tenets of surviving in the ever and rapidly changing world that is geekdom is the ability to correctly classify something as important and/or urgent.

If am under attack on an online game and you want my attention, do believe from the bottom of my heart that I didn't ignore you on purpose and that my heart had nothing to do with it: I saw more than a thousand hours of late night gaming about to be laid to waste and you were saying something about us going somewhere and my subconscious classified taking defensive action on the server as urgent and your news as important. Wait, what was it you said about a hospital?

Waiiit, someone just sent another wave of attackers!!!

All Addicts Anonymous: One Step To Breaking Your Addiction

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.

This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.

Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.

 
Peoples, after a dilated bladder and listening to Dilated Peoples (couldn't help myself) and Kanye West, I decided I better get ma shit together and earn me some trillions. I know enough about the brain to know this will not be easy, considering some neural nets are already hardwired to reward me when I get high n shit but then that got me thinking that every time I made mullah I should get high activating my am-so-high neurons n shit, which will activate my reward center which will signal the hypothalamus to produce more dopamine n shit making money my new drug n shit (blame it activation of the neural net mapping to 9gag.com)...
Well I know this won't be easy, but the good news is, it can be done in one step:
Here goes....
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DONT EFFIN DO IT!!!!

This one of the reasons you should stop whatever you are doing; you were expecting something profound?

In other news, AM BACCCKKKKK!!!

Speed Dating

Speed dating: I do not mean talking to a stranger for 2 minutes waiting for a bell to move on (or hoping it doesn't, your current 2-minute date matters) and wondering why your love life is on the rocks. I mean moving so fast before she can say wait a minute you do not care if its over. It really works well with probabilities and monkey barring.

Nothing makes me in particular and men in general feel as great as a woman/girl/lady (surely there is an option here that won't offend the fairer sex reader?) who treats them like superman. Until she brings out the Kryptonite that is. However, I can say they are not entirely to blame: my Kiswahili teacher always said my inshas lacked imagination, how I wish she got a chance to hear my Kiswahili mambo yote.

I am a great proponent of speed dating due Taurus Riley's law of dating i.e. want it, want it no get it, get, get it no want it and the fact that despite constant advice am not yet ready to lower my standards: yet.

All is fair in love and war
 The end justifies the means, and do I live by the mantra. If I want her, anything goes:
"Yes, I enjoy volunteering, I mean who doesn't love to work for nothing, right?"
"Yep, Moi is my distant uncle....I just have a Kyuk name, I got Kale blood in me."
"I wont mind taking care of your cat for you" This one is a half-truth btw :))
"Annually, I make as much as Bill Gate does in 5 minutes" You should have asked when, 1-2 years from now.

When you tell these kind of half-truths, future plans told as if in the present and fantasies that puts you in (almost) the same level as J.K. Rowlings and J. Tolkien, expectations are bound to be unrealistic. You can either ease her gently into reality in case you want to get into a relationship with her or let it hit her like an electric train at full speed, especially if the package on offer was based on false advertising. Either way, she should know the truth after the deed is done.

 Surprise, surprise
Its using the element of surprise and novelty to your advantage: you find a lady and know she is way out of your league and, assured if you do not ask it will be a no, you steel your guts, loosen the ego balloon so when she deflates it it won't burst, and make your move. Seems cupid is asleep, its your luckiest day in 3 months or she just broke up with her boyfriends (that should put her in perspective) or has daddy issues. Either way, she into you and soon discover there is a Homer in your head and all that was needed was the right kind of stimulation to awaken him. Soon your pickup line soon evolves into an epic odyssey and every poet and tale weaver loves a great audience.

You have to move fast before the logical part of the brain takes over and plant your flag. Like every guy knows, the first time is the hardest and she will either capitulate and stick with you (while weighing other options) or dump you faster than a hot potato. Either way, you can truthfully say I tapped that, and that got to count for something :))

Caste System

Much as we would like equality, it simply does not exist in nature. What we can all hope for is an equal chance to be better than we are and others, but this is not an sociology blog so back to the topic. Even dogs realize that, otherwise how do you explain dogs from affluent areas chase cars and those from the ghettos don't? The dog from Karen (Kenyan leafy suburb. I got an internationale audience :) are assured of a meal thus can engage in frivolous activities. Those from the projects are busy hustling. If you understood dog speak this might be a conversation you overhear:

Simba: sup dawg
Dawg: Sup. How you doing canine?
Simba: Keeping it sharp, paws firmly on the ground, ears pointed, nose up for a whiff of whats going on you know, same ol, same ol. These humans though are morons: they can build roads, building airplanes but can't figure out a dog's diet. Githeri, ugali, some rice here and there, vegetables... vegetables! do I have elongated ears or in anyway resemble a rabbit? a lion like me should eat meat.
Dawg: You do know wanakuitanga simba kukushasha? (they only call you lion-simba to make you feel good). Anyways, there is someone who slaughters donkeys by the river, we should check it out. If any other dogs show up, it's every human for himself and the pack for us all, damn humans. Seriously, humans can't smell donkey meat?
Simba: I don't think so, lemmie call my girl and we can roll
Dawg: One of this days, she is gonna be your bitch
Simba: Naaw, am a lone wolf
Dawg: Mongrel Simba, not a lion, not a wolf but a mongrel
Simba: (trotting dogestically) Think Dog Dawg, Think Dog

Got to understand why they say as stubborn as a donkey. Saw one yesterday in the middle of the road and cars had to make way for it. Slipping into an alternate dimension (read it if you haven't, its an older post) I decoded what must have been going through its mind and almost ended up in an asylum after cracking up spontaneously. Reason: imagining the donkey saying to itself

"What, a donkey now can't be an ass?"

Code 420 (Adverts)

Today is #420, and me being me (as opposed to who?) I kinda started early. This lead to hyper priming and I had a conversation with myself (sometimes its the only way to have an intelligent conversation) on what would it be like if adverts were true: one things for sure, the companies would sell less.

Drugs Adverts

You have come across an advert that goes like:
"Are you feeling tired and depressed? try drug Y blah blah blah"
In the parallel universe where adverts have to be true due to real governance as opposed to governments, here its how the script would go
"Are you feeling tired and depressed? that because you fucking are!!!! However buy this drug Y and the placebo effect will trick your pea-brain that you feeling on top of the world"

Then there is the ubiquitous
"If symptoms persists,seek medical advice/maumivu yakizidi,mwone daktari"
would be
"you are a goner!!!/Hausaidiki budda boss" or "you are too sick or we are too stupid.Either way you are fucked!!"

Drug adverts

In this category we have beer, cigarettes, anti-depressants e.t.c.
The company's vision statement might be something like
"Helping all self-destructive humans achieve their goal" and the advertisement will be
"Temporarily postponing your shit so you can process it as a batch (/toilet)... "
to be continued [you wonna bet?]

I'M RICH BITCH!!!!

Can't remember exactly when I heard that being rich turns people into assholes: but thats when I decided to be wealthy. There is no fun in doing things halfway, and if you are going to be an asshole, you better be in a position to get yourself out of the shit you get yourself into and if you can't (the shit is too stinky, too deep, hardening too fast),be in a postion to afford someone to clean it up for you.

Here are some sayings that I have heard and some I have used that I need to delete from my mind if I am to rival Midas (Aiming for Bill Gates is aiming low :)

Poverty is not a crime
This is actually true, but in full, it reads: Poverty is not a crime but that is its only virtue. Need I sema more?

Money is not everything
This is usually said by some broke-ass, balding (or menopausing), paper pushing human being when they realize that their dreams are likely to remain exactly that: dreams, fovever and ever, and ever, and ever... ad infinitum.

Life should be about more than just about money, true that. The semantics of that sentence is easy to follow: you have the money, now get the more life has to offer.
Try this for an exercise: Decide you are not going to use money for a week and you will notice that while almost everything was available when you had money, almost nothing is available without it.

Yet even that available without it loses its taste without some cheddar spicing it up. Try and imagine a marriage where none of the spouses earns an income. does not matter if their love is straight out of a hollywood script or the twillight saga, its going down, and not the way raves do.

That is why dating personals read like "I am (a bitch) looking for a financially independent, God fearing, tall, healthy, muscular, HIV -ve guy.Willing to compromise on all except the first."

There is no romance without finance, and you can't live on love.

Money Can't Buy Happiness
What? and broke can? Its really hard to be sad when you thinking about the stack you have stashed and the other you are raking in. Try being sad with some (translate that to alot) money you have not planned to do anything with but have fun.
If you are somehow still sad (the idea in itself just made me smile) you must be masochistic and it bites no hyena, you can afford to do something about your unhappiness: Hire a personal stripper, get really fucked up, go on a trip to Jamaica or Amsterdam... the possiblities are truly endless; with some money!!!! This aint earning me shiet so baadayez!!!

HOW TO GET SHIT DONE

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.

SHIT GOES ONE WAY
This is a point to always remember; shit goes one way: downwards and outwards. Think of a sewage system. Its one of the reasons guys on top see shitheads (they are heaping shit on you) and guys below see assholes (the ones heaping shit on them). What the point? Its better to be an asshole than a shithead. Work your way upwards and inwards (making inroads) and don’t be afraid of getting your hands dirty. Its what you get for working in a shit factory

CREATE WIN-WIN SITUATIONS
If you want people to come through, its best not appeal to their goodwill or gratitude. After all, even Jesus told us to never expect others to be grateful and humans are notoriously forgetful, especially when it suits them. Work on their lizard brain, responsive to survival and self-interest. The way to get to it is through value words and not logic: don’t ask how I know… if I tell you I will have to kill yah.

Casestudy: You spend on her, you get her.
I throw drinks, she puts out… you get the idea

KNOW SOMEONE WHO OWES YOU A FAVOR THEOREM
It is a simple but powerful theorem
Know someone who owes you a favor. They also know someone who owes them a favor and so on.
For K persons, know Person 1 who owes you a favor, who knows Person 2 who owes Person 1 a favor,… who knows Person k who will get the shit done for person k-1 whom he owes a favor.

HAVE THEM BY THE BALLS
We all know that the sphincter muscles relax when in extreme pain… if you didn’t follow, pain makes you shit yourself, and we want to get shit done. Ask any man the most painful kinda pain (am not a grammar school master) and most will agree it from a hit to the balls. Well, having people by the balls means you can apply the pressure when you need to, or even for fun. Bottom line: leverage, cleavage (no typo :-), leverage, leverage.

USE A LAXATIVE
If all else fails, create a situation whereby shit gets done your way, regardless of the shitee’s opinion. After all, you don’t decide when to make safcom richer when on laxatives (M-PESA). You have done things laxatively one time or another: Waking up at 5:30 to avoid caning in school, passing on your money and phone while a guy hugged you from behind none too gently, Ruto and Uhuru going to Hague….