Speed Dating

Speed dating: I do not mean talking to a stranger for 2 minutes waiting for a bell to move on (or hoping it doesn't, your current 2-minute date matters) and wondering why your love life is on the rocks. I mean moving so fast before she can say wait a minute you do not care if its over. It really works well with probabilities and monkey barring.

Nothing makes me in particular and men in general feel as great as a woman/girl/lady (surely there is an option here that won't offend the fairer sex reader?) who treats them like superman. Until she brings out the Kryptonite that is. However, I can say they are not entirely to blame: my Kiswahili teacher always said my inshas lacked imagination, how I wish she got a chance to hear my Kiswahili mambo yote.

I am a great proponent of speed dating due Taurus Riley's law of dating i.e. want it, want it no get it, get, get it no want it and the fact that despite constant advice am not yet ready to lower my standards: yet.

All is fair in love and war
 The end justifies the means, and do I live by the mantra. If I want her, anything goes:
"Yes, I enjoy volunteering, I mean who doesn't love to work for nothing, right?"
"Yep, Moi is my distant uncle....I just have a Kyuk name, I got Kale blood in me."
"I wont mind taking care of your cat for you" This one is a half-truth btw :))
"Annually, I make as much as Bill Gate does in 5 minutes" You should have asked when, 1-2 years from now.

When you tell these kind of half-truths, future plans told as if in the present and fantasies that puts you in (almost) the same level as J.K. Rowlings and J. Tolkien, expectations are bound to be unrealistic. You can either ease her gently into reality in case you want to get into a relationship with her or let it hit her like an electric train at full speed, especially if the package on offer was based on false advertising. Either way, she should know the truth after the deed is done.

 Surprise, surprise
Its using the element of surprise and novelty to your advantage: you find a lady and know she is way out of your league and, assured if you do not ask it will be a no, you steel your guts, loosen the ego balloon so when she deflates it it won't burst, and make your move. Seems cupid is asleep, its your luckiest day in 3 months or she just broke up with her boyfriends (that should put her in perspective) or has daddy issues. Either way, she into you and soon discover there is a Homer in your head and all that was needed was the right kind of stimulation to awaken him. Soon your pickup line soon evolves into an epic odyssey and every poet and tale weaver loves a great audience.

You have to move fast before the logical part of the brain takes over and plant your flag. Like every guy knows, the first time is the hardest and she will either capitulate and stick with you (while weighing other options) or dump you faster than a hot potato. Either way, you can truthfully say I tapped that, and that got to count for something :))

Caste System

Much as we would like equality, it simply does not exist in nature. What we can all hope for is an equal chance to be better than we are and others, but this is not an sociology blog so back to the topic. Even dogs realize that, otherwise how do you explain dogs from affluent areas chase cars and those from the ghettos don't? The dog from Karen (Kenyan leafy suburb. I got an internationale audience :) are assured of a meal thus can engage in frivolous activities. Those from the projects are busy hustling. If you understood dog speak this might be a conversation you overhear:

Simba: sup dawg
Dawg: Sup. How you doing canine?
Simba: Keeping it sharp, paws firmly on the ground, ears pointed, nose up for a whiff of whats going on you know, same ol, same ol. These humans though are morons: they can build roads, building airplanes but can't figure out a dog's diet. Githeri, ugali, some rice here and there, vegetables... vegetables! do I have elongated ears or in anyway resemble a rabbit? a lion like me should eat meat.
Dawg: You do know wanakuitanga simba kukushasha? (they only call you lion-simba to make you feel good). Anyways, there is someone who slaughters donkeys by the river, we should check it out. If any other dogs show up, it's every human for himself and the pack for us all, damn humans. Seriously, humans can't smell donkey meat?
Simba: I don't think so, lemmie call my girl and we can roll
Dawg: One of this days, she is gonna be your bitch
Simba: Naaw, am a lone wolf
Dawg: Mongrel Simba, not a lion, not a wolf but a mongrel
Simba: (trotting dogestically) Think Dog Dawg, Think Dog

Got to understand why they say as stubborn as a donkey. Saw one yesterday in the middle of the road and cars had to make way for it. Slipping into an alternate dimension (read it if you haven't, its an older post) I decoded what must have been going through its mind and almost ended up in an asylum after cracking up spontaneously. Reason: imagining the donkey saying to itself

"What, a donkey now can't be an ass?"

Code 420 (Adverts)

Today is #420, and me being me (as opposed to who?) I kinda started early. This lead to hyper priming and I had a conversation with myself (sometimes its the only way to have an intelligent conversation) on what would it be like if adverts were true: one things for sure, the companies would sell less.

Drugs Adverts

You have come across an advert that goes like:
"Are you feeling tired and depressed? try drug Y blah blah blah"
In the parallel universe where adverts have to be true due to real governance as opposed to governments, here its how the script would go
"Are you feeling tired and depressed? that because you fucking are!!!! However buy this drug Y and the placebo effect will trick your pea-brain that you feeling on top of the world"

Then there is the ubiquitous
"If symptoms persists,seek medical advice/maumivu yakizidi,mwone daktari"
would be
"you are a goner!!!/Hausaidiki budda boss" or "you are too sick or we are too stupid.Either way you are fucked!!"

Drug adverts

In this category we have beer, cigarettes, anti-depressants e.t.c.
The company's vision statement might be something like
"Helping all self-destructive humans achieve their goal" and the advertisement will be
"Temporarily postponing your shit so you can process it as a batch (/toilet)... "
to be continued [you wonna bet?]

I'M RICH BITCH!!!!

Can't remember exactly when I heard that being rich turns people into assholes: but thats when I decided to be wealthy. There is no fun in doing things halfway, and if you are going to be an asshole, you better be in a position to get yourself out of the shit you get yourself into and if you can't (the shit is too stinky, too deep, hardening too fast),be in a postion to afford someone to clean it up for you.

Here are some sayings that I have heard and some I have used that I need to delete from my mind if I am to rival Midas (Aiming for Bill Gates is aiming low :)

Poverty is not a crime
This is actually true, but in full, it reads: Poverty is not a crime but that is its only virtue. Need I sema more?

Money is not everything
This is usually said by some broke-ass, balding (or menopausing), paper pushing human being when they realize that their dreams are likely to remain exactly that: dreams, fovever and ever, and ever, and ever... ad infinitum.

Life should be about more than just about money, true that. The semantics of that sentence is easy to follow: you have the money, now get the more life has to offer.
Try this for an exercise: Decide you are not going to use money for a week and you will notice that while almost everything was available when you had money, almost nothing is available without it.

Yet even that available without it loses its taste without some cheddar spicing it up. Try and imagine a marriage where none of the spouses earns an income. does not matter if their love is straight out of a hollywood script or the twillight saga, its going down, and not the way raves do.

That is why dating personals read like "I am (a bitch) looking for a financially independent, God fearing, tall, healthy, muscular, HIV -ve guy.Willing to compromise on all except the first."

There is no romance without finance, and you can't live on love.

Money Can't Buy Happiness
What? and broke can? Its really hard to be sad when you thinking about the stack you have stashed and the other you are raking in. Try being sad with some (translate that to alot) money you have not planned to do anything with but have fun.
If you are somehow still sad (the idea in itself just made me smile) you must be masochistic and it bites no hyena, you can afford to do something about your unhappiness: Hire a personal stripper, get really fucked up, go on a trip to Jamaica or Amsterdam... the possiblities are truly endless; with some money!!!! This aint earning me shiet so baadayez!!!

HOW TO GET SHIT DONE

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.

SHIT GOES ONE WAY
This is a point to always remember; shit goes one way: downwards and outwards. Think of a sewage system. Its one of the reasons guys on top see shitheads (they are heaping shit on you) and guys below see assholes (the ones heaping shit on them). What the point? Its better to be an asshole than a shithead. Work your way upwards and inwards (making inroads) and don’t be afraid of getting your hands dirty. Its what you get for working in a shit factory

CREATE WIN-WIN SITUATIONS
If you want people to come through, its best not appeal to their goodwill or gratitude. After all, even Jesus told us to never expect others to be grateful and humans are notoriously forgetful, especially when it suits them. Work on their lizard brain, responsive to survival and self-interest. The way to get to it is through value words and not logic: don’t ask how I know… if I tell you I will have to kill yah.

Casestudy: You spend on her, you get her.
I throw drinks, she puts out… you get the idea

KNOW SOMEONE WHO OWES YOU A FAVOR THEOREM
It is a simple but powerful theorem
Know someone who owes you a favor. They also know someone who owes them a favor and so on.
For K persons, know Person 1 who owes you a favor, who knows Person 2 who owes Person 1 a favor,… who knows Person k who will get the shit done for person k-1 whom he owes a favor.

HAVE THEM BY THE BALLS
We all know that the sphincter muscles relax when in extreme pain… if you didn’t follow, pain makes you shit yourself, and we want to get shit done. Ask any man the most painful kinda pain (am not a grammar school master) and most will agree it from a hit to the balls. Well, having people by the balls means you can apply the pressure when you need to, or even for fun. Bottom line: leverage, cleavage (no typo :-), leverage, leverage.

USE A LAXATIVE
If all else fails, create a situation whereby shit gets done your way, regardless of the shitee’s opinion. After all, you don’t decide when to make safcom richer when on laxatives (M-PESA). You have done things laxatively one time or another: Waking up at 5:30 to avoid caning in school, passing on your money and phone while a guy hugged you from behind none too gently, Ruto and Uhuru going to Hague….

DRY SPELLS AND POSTER FACES

Most people living in sub-Sahara Africa know exactly what a dry spell is: that time of the year, January( why the hell do all bad things have to be crammed in one month: school fees [am now a parent,hehehe, 4 kids, its back to school], being broke, dry spells etc), when everywhere is dusty and the grass on the other side is truly greener. All farmers complain of lack of water and how hard it is to survive. I do know that most of my readers cant tell a hoe from a whore and we are living in a global village so for the sake of not making the others feel left out and the topic relevant to all, I'm using it as an analogy. So without further ado, let start a crash course on dry spells and ways to deal with them.
Definition
Dry spell: A relatively long period in a region without moisture, rain etc with poor prospects of the same.
Assumptions: A long period is about 2 weeks and above.
The region is located below the waist and above the knees and unique to female humans.
The moisture is from something wet (highlanders) and the rain from a crater (ox-bow lakers).
In case you find yourself in the above situation, here are a few remedies:

Monkey Bars

You never miss the water till your well is running dry... to ensure that your well never runs dry, in case you are a guy, have more than one well (girlfriend), an oasis (that whoever who loves you unconditionally) and piped water(booty call). And never,ever break up with someone until you have the another in your grip, the way a monkey does with monkey bars, after which its on to the next one...

Poster Faces
Adhering to the philosophy of Taurus Riley, your dry spell is probably a result of not wanting what you getting. Considering your circumstances, you might want to review your standards:downwards. With the maxim beggars cant afford to be choosers in mind,it is time to aim low, literally and figuratively; aim very,veeery low.
However, this is a linear function: the lower you aim, the lesser your enthusiasm. Thus to avoid shame in the game, you have to work with your mind to keep the psyche up.
Simply put, plaster a poster of a hooooot gal on her face and imagine you are with her. The author is not liable for the consequences that follow this action

Professional Personal Issues Handler
Also know as whores, malaya, call girls etc. Enough said

Sex in a can
I am currently working on it(you can bet it will be a trillion dollar industry), but in the mean time, there are some less-than-satisfactory substitutes: Invest in a toolbox (dildos 4 ox-bow lakers, inflatable dolls 4 highlander), porn, vaseline... you get the gist

Join a monastery
It was a valid choice if your situation was hopeless but with all the waywards priests, you might want to reconsider.

I aint paid for this eish, am outta here

BRAWL 101

No matter how much of a pacifist you are, as long as you frequent places with high crowds of people who are unusually excited, and thus most likely inebriated (people love getting high, or is it just me), you will likely witness a brawl over some trivial misconstrued affront. Ego, women and nature top the men’s list, and for women, the most common but least expressed reason is that the other woman is prettier, classier and usually younger: Incoming menopause can be a real female dog. So far, things are going great, who needs cable TV when you got live action and you decide you need to get a better look.
That’s one of the absolute donts of the Brawl 101. The reason is simple: Human beings are animals, thus travel in packs, are prone to herd mentality, and above all, love a good old fashioned thumping, especially if they are not on the receiving end. If you move closer, you will get caught up in some action you merely wished to watch, because the other pack members will always swoop in to help one of their own, resulting in the fight escalating, and due to your curiosity, legendary for killing cats, being caught up in it. Herd mentality makes everyone want a piece of the action, and good old fashioned thumping makes you a prime target with your attention else.
If, however you get in a brawl, here are a few rules of thumbs.
Stopping keeping rules of thumbs
This is not the time to be philosophical and when a fist is headed towards your mouth, that’s not the time to try out interpersonal skills. It could be bad for hygiene and doesn’t reveal your know-how on body language in such great light. Survival mode requires way lesser brains cells, which might explain why alcohol induces I-AM-JET-LI hallucinations (usually with catastrophic results), and the more the brain is left out of it, trust in reflex action and adrenaline, the better. You don’t want to be worrying about a P3 form as you punch someone’s face; takes all the fun out of it. Focus.
Don’t fight with an ugly person
The only way they could get attention on the playground was bullying and fighting, which means they are probably more experienced in ass-kicking than you. More importantly, they got nothing to lose.
Know thine enemy
You don’t want to fight a martial expert, you could probably make a career as a human punch bag, neither do you want to pick a fight with someone who has 20 friends, all of whom look like they eat your weekly food portions in one sitting. It goes without saying that if your opponent knows the bouncers or is bigger than you; it’s time to apply the next rule.
Know all points of exits
The reasons are varied; a fire, police raid, imagined alien abduction/invasion (matters what you took), a quick getaway. A brawl is not the time to be a hero. If things start to go south, scatter like points a scatter diagram.
And above all
Fight hard, fight like you mad, and fight dirty
This is not the time to be a gentleman, your being in a brawl takes care of that, and if it helps you to win, do it. Hit below belts and aim for the nipples, bite and scratch, swing a bottle and stab, shoot and blow away…. It’s been a rough week.