Code 420 (Adverts)

Today is #420, and me being me (as opposed to who?) I kinda started early. This lead to hyper priming and I had a conversation with myself (sometimes its the only way to have an intelligent conversation) on what would it be like if adverts were true: one things for sure, the companies would sell less.

Drugs Adverts

You have come across an advert that goes like:
"Are you feeling tired and depressed? try drug Y blah blah blah"
In the parallel universe where adverts have to be true due to real governance as opposed to governments, here its how the script would go
"Are you feeling tired and depressed? that because you fucking are!!!! However buy this drug Y and the placebo effect will trick your pea-brain that you feeling on top of the world"

Then there is the ubiquitous
"If symptoms persists,seek medical advice/maumivu yakizidi,mwone daktari"
would be
"you are a goner!!!/Hausaidiki budda boss" or "you are too sick or we are too stupid.Either way you are fucked!!"

Drug adverts

In this category we have beer, cigarettes, anti-depressants e.t.c.
The company's vision statement might be something like
"Helping all self-destructive humans achieve their goal" and the advertisement will be
"Temporarily postponing your shit so you can process it as a batch (/toilet)... "
to be continued [you wonna bet?]

I'M RICH BITCH!!!!

Can't remember exactly when I heard that being rich turns people into assholes: but thats when I decided to be wealthy. There is no fun in doing things halfway, and if you are going to be an asshole, you better be in a position to get yourself out of the shit you get yourself into and if you can't (the shit is too stinky, too deep, hardening too fast),be in a postion to afford someone to clean it up for you.

Here are some sayings that I have heard and some I have used that I need to delete from my mind if I am to rival Midas (Aiming for Bill Gates is aiming low :)

Poverty is not a crime
This is actually true, but in full, it reads: Poverty is not a crime but that is its only virtue. Need I sema more?

Money is not everything
This is usually said by some broke-ass, balding (or menopausing), paper pushing human being when they realize that their dreams are likely to remain exactly that: dreams, fovever and ever, and ever, and ever... ad infinitum.

Life should be about more than just about money, true that. The semantics of that sentence is easy to follow: you have the money, now get the more life has to offer.
Try this for an exercise: Decide you are not going to use money for a week and you will notice that while almost everything was available when you had money, almost nothing is available without it.

Yet even that available without it loses its taste without some cheddar spicing it up. Try and imagine a marriage where none of the spouses earns an income. does not matter if their love is straight out of a hollywood script or the twillight saga, its going down, and not the way raves do.

That is why dating personals read like "I am (a bitch) looking for a financially independent, God fearing, tall, healthy, muscular, HIV -ve guy.Willing to compromise on all except the first."

There is no romance without finance, and you can't live on love.

Money Can't Buy Happiness
What? and broke can? Its really hard to be sad when you thinking about the stack you have stashed and the other you are raking in. Try being sad with some (translate that to alot) money you have not planned to do anything with but have fun.
If you are somehow still sad (the idea in itself just made me smile) you must be masochistic and it bites no hyena, you can afford to do something about your unhappiness: Hire a personal stripper, get really fucked up, go on a trip to Jamaica or Amsterdam... the possiblities are truly endless; with some money!!!! This aint earning me shiet so baadayez!!!

HOW TO GET SHIT DONE

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.

SHIT GOES ONE WAY
This is a point to always remember; shit goes one way: downwards and outwards. Think of a sewage system. Its one of the reasons guys on top see shitheads (they are heaping shit on you) and guys below see assholes (the ones heaping shit on them). What the point? Its better to be an asshole than a shithead. Work your way upwards and inwards (making inroads) and don’t be afraid of getting your hands dirty. Its what you get for working in a shit factory

CREATE WIN-WIN SITUATIONS
If you want people to come through, its best not appeal to their goodwill or gratitude. After all, even Jesus told us to never expect others to be grateful and humans are notoriously forgetful, especially when it suits them. Work on their lizard brain, responsive to survival and self-interest. The way to get to it is through value words and not logic: don’t ask how I know… if I tell you I will have to kill yah.

Casestudy: You spend on her, you get her.
I throw drinks, she puts out… you get the idea

KNOW SOMEONE WHO OWES YOU A FAVOR THEOREM
It is a simple but powerful theorem
Know someone who owes you a favor. They also know someone who owes them a favor and so on.
For K persons, know Person 1 who owes you a favor, who knows Person 2 who owes Person 1 a favor,… who knows Person k who will get the shit done for person k-1 whom he owes a favor.

HAVE THEM BY THE BALLS
We all know that the sphincter muscles relax when in extreme pain… if you didn’t follow, pain makes you shit yourself, and we want to get shit done. Ask any man the most painful kinda pain (am not a grammar school master) and most will agree it from a hit to the balls. Well, having people by the balls means you can apply the pressure when you need to, or even for fun. Bottom line: leverage, cleavage (no typo :-), leverage, leverage.

USE A LAXATIVE
If all else fails, create a situation whereby shit gets done your way, regardless of the shitee’s opinion. After all, you don’t decide when to make safcom richer when on laxatives (M-PESA). You have done things laxatively one time or another: Waking up at 5:30 to avoid caning in school, passing on your money and phone while a guy hugged you from behind none too gently, Ruto and Uhuru going to Hague….

DRY SPELLS AND POSTER FACES

Most people living in sub-Sahara Africa know exactly what a dry spell is: that time of the year, January( why the hell do all bad things have to be crammed in one month: school fees [am now a parent,hehehe, 4 kids, its back to school], being broke, dry spells etc), when everywhere is dusty and the grass on the other side is truly greener. All farmers complain of lack of water and how hard it is to survive. I do know that most of my readers cant tell a hoe from a whore and we are living in a global village so for the sake of not making the others feel left out and the topic relevant to all, I'm using it as an analogy. So without further ado, let start a crash course on dry spells and ways to deal with them.
Definition
Dry spell: A relatively long period in a region without moisture, rain etc with poor prospects of the same.
Assumptions: A long period is about 2 weeks and above.
The region is located below the waist and above the knees and unique to female humans.
The moisture is from something wet (highlanders) and the rain from a crater (ox-bow lakers).
In case you find yourself in the above situation, here are a few remedies:

Monkey Bars

You never miss the water till your well is running dry... to ensure that your well never runs dry, in case you are a guy, have more than one well (girlfriend), an oasis (that whoever who loves you unconditionally) and piped water(booty call). And never,ever break up with someone until you have the another in your grip, the way a monkey does with monkey bars, after which its on to the next one...

Poster Faces
Adhering to the philosophy of Taurus Riley, your dry spell is probably a result of not wanting what you getting. Considering your circumstances, you might want to review your standards:downwards. With the maxim beggars cant afford to be choosers in mind,it is time to aim low, literally and figuratively; aim very,veeery low.
However, this is a linear function: the lower you aim, the lesser your enthusiasm. Thus to avoid shame in the game, you have to work with your mind to keep the psyche up.
Simply put, plaster a poster of a hooooot gal on her face and imagine you are with her. The author is not liable for the consequences that follow this action

Professional Personal Issues Handler
Also know as whores, malaya, call girls etc. Enough said

Sex in a can
I am currently working on it(you can bet it will be a trillion dollar industry), but in the mean time, there are some less-than-satisfactory substitutes: Invest in a toolbox (dildos 4 ox-bow lakers, inflatable dolls 4 highlander), porn, vaseline... you get the gist

Join a monastery
It was a valid choice if your situation was hopeless but with all the waywards priests, you might want to reconsider.

I aint paid for this eish, am outta here

BRAWL 101

No matter how much of a pacifist you are, as long as you frequent places with high crowds of people who are unusually excited, and thus most likely inebriated (people love getting high, or is it just me), you will likely witness a brawl over some trivial misconstrued affront. Ego, women and nature top the men’s list, and for women, the most common but least expressed reason is that the other woman is prettier, classier and usually younger: Incoming menopause can be a real female dog. So far, things are going great, who needs cable TV when you got live action and you decide you need to get a better look.
That’s one of the absolute donts of the Brawl 101. The reason is simple: Human beings are animals, thus travel in packs, are prone to herd mentality, and above all, love a good old fashioned thumping, especially if they are not on the receiving end. If you move closer, you will get caught up in some action you merely wished to watch, because the other pack members will always swoop in to help one of their own, resulting in the fight escalating, and due to your curiosity, legendary for killing cats, being caught up in it. Herd mentality makes everyone want a piece of the action, and good old fashioned thumping makes you a prime target with your attention else.
If, however you get in a brawl, here are a few rules of thumbs.
Stopping keeping rules of thumbs
This is not the time to be philosophical and when a fist is headed towards your mouth, that’s not the time to try out interpersonal skills. It could be bad for hygiene and doesn’t reveal your know-how on body language in such great light. Survival mode requires way lesser brains cells, which might explain why alcohol induces I-AM-JET-LI hallucinations (usually with catastrophic results), and the more the brain is left out of it, trust in reflex action and adrenaline, the better. You don’t want to be worrying about a P3 form as you punch someone’s face; takes all the fun out of it. Focus.
Don’t fight with an ugly person
The only way they could get attention on the playground was bullying and fighting, which means they are probably more experienced in ass-kicking than you. More importantly, they got nothing to lose.
Know thine enemy
You don’t want to fight a martial expert, you could probably make a career as a human punch bag, neither do you want to pick a fight with someone who has 20 friends, all of whom look like they eat your weekly food portions in one sitting. It goes without saying that if your opponent knows the bouncers or is bigger than you; it’s time to apply the next rule.
Know all points of exits
The reasons are varied; a fire, police raid, imagined alien abduction/invasion (matters what you took), a quick getaway. A brawl is not the time to be a hero. If things start to go south, scatter like points a scatter diagram.
And above all
Fight hard, fight like you mad, and fight dirty
This is not the time to be a gentleman, your being in a brawl takes care of that, and if it helps you to win, do it. Hit below belts and aim for the nipples, bite and scratch, swing a bottle and stab, shoot and blow away…. It’s been a rough week.

LONE WOLF SYNDROME

Most people find it vexing when I tell them exactly what’s on my mind. My shrink calls it lack of a social filter, not to be mistaken with motor mouth which is just plain annoying (and which most people, namely –use ratios to compute-, seem to suffer from) . I am not one to mince words. Here is an example:
“Yeah, the dress looks great and you are 3 sizes smaller”
Or “Can we just cut to the chase and go dry hump? It’s the least you can do seeing as it is you wasted my whole night.”
I cannot stand the preening, social posturing and stupidity which seems to thrive like yeast in ferment milk in large numbers and gatherings of people, football matches and political rallies provided as case studies, a trait found in lower creatures known as herd mentality; thus I prefer to keep others at a distance, better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know who might infect you with herpes, except on those occasions when human contact is necessary, say on the dance floor or a paid for strip tease on your bachelor party (It’s one of the reasons people get married incidentally). However, this syndrome has not developed based solely on personal traits and bias but with a mixture of learnt mistrust of human beings and a revulsion to their greed and glee at others misery; For despite what you think, man is not above killing his fellow man for money, women, land and other material things considered worth more than a man’s life and often for much less. I never heard of a hyena tearing off its young limbs for eating the left-over bone, yet women, the epitome of human gentleness and selflessness, are known to brand their children with hot irons for pocketing 20 shillings change. If that’s how you treat your child, am not sure I can even trust you to not bite off my tongue if we kiss.
I prefer to rely on myself, so that in case of failure, I have no one to blame, and in the more than assured case of success, well, having to share my glory and rewards with no one. I am more inclined to swimming and lawn tennis as opposed to team sports; the reason I love programming is because no one is hovering over my shoulder telling me what to do, following orders never having been my forte, or having to rely on someone’s expertise for the patient to get off the surgery table. I am a born dreamer, preferring to slip off to other worlds and alter dimensions offered by reading, art, cyberspace and I discovered recently, meditation (All those wasted years!).
Here is a rundown of why I prefer to have many friends on Facebook and MySpace but a close band of a few number of friends who I know will help me put out the fire on my hat (I do not have a hut, so it will have to do), and if you are not on the list, I wrote it while in another plane of consciousness, and that is my excuse.

PEACOCKS
It seems like everyone hates hearing how well you are doing, because mostly we don’t care and also because deep down we are jealous, which is what you intended when you came bragging to us in the first place. If you are so successful, don’t you have to be somewhere doing what it is pompous asses do (I am guessing farting and diarrhoea, for you surely suffer from a bad case of verbal diarrhoea). These creatures will brag everywhere: funerals, harambees and chang’aa joints (which leaves one wondering what they are doing there instead of Vegas). If you fall in this category, you need to surround yourself with a bunch of imbeciles who can sing your praises all night long. How exactly does my knowing you make a million help me? If you have nothing mutually beneficial, informative or amusing to say, be reminded silence is golden.
WILD DOGS
They travel in packs, are very dangerous and make a great deal of noise, but when cornered individually, are simply pathetic and run with their tail between their legs.
HYENAS
These are well known scavengers, never going in for the kill but always ready to swoop in when you are down and under.

Supply Demand Demystified

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.

This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.

Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.

Recently as a result of idleness and too much fresh air, emh, I decided to put to use the rather useless but damn expensive education and get my shillings' worth and settled on the topic of business and in particular, the supply demand curve. Thus ladies and gentlemen, my presentation on The Cabee Relationship Dynamics Based on Supply and Demand. I am seriously thinking of copyrighting that.

The rule of numbers

Its a well understood fact that women outnumber men by a factor of 5, but men have not learnt the implications and more importantly, the opportunity presented by the scenario through shortsightedness and a women conspiracy to keep man in the dark. Before you label me a conpiracy fiend, do read me out. In the golden days of king David and King Solomon and to the brave souls like king Mswati still holding on, each man had at least 8 women and here is a quick rundown why

By laws of numbers, each man rightfully had 5 wives.

Due to wars, famines and plagues, each man an additional 2 wives due to young men who died with only 3 wives.

As men became richer, the generally acquired 1 young woman for each milestone, think of King David's deathbed, through raiding and the thriving nature of the captives business.

Moral of the story: Give Tiger Woods a break.
Men are becoming extinct
Men numbers are dropping and according to a study, this is due to their unconcious abortion by the mothers, since one male can carry on a species with several females(ratios again) but the idea of one female and several males would be a species wipe out cause. With the pressures of today; global warming, tribal clashes, election violence etc, there is a sharp decline in the number of men (not boys), a situation not helped by the rising use of dildos and fire breathers. This creates a situation for a man whose eyes are open to opportunity: do something the dildo can't do.
Buy flowers
Remember birthdays (Android application soon from Verity Solutions)
Break the bed.More soon. Gotta save the world.