If I Ruled The World

Listening to Nas' song, I could not help but have a vision of grandeur and wonder: what would the world be like if I ruled the world? I can tell you right from the start, most of you would not be alive. Why?

The first thing I would do is kill all stupid people. By stupid, I mean people who would rather die than think and though most usually do, it does not seem to happen fast enough to my liking. Einstein did say human stupidity was infinite, and am sure most of those alive would be dead. Maybe even me, though I wouldn't bet on it if I were you.

I would whistle to a girl and get to fuck her doggy style. I mean, so much time is wasted going around something that will eventually happen if it does happen, so it would be great is we could save time. Can you imagine how the much more the world would be a wetter, better and less harder place if you could just whistle at her then say "Sup bitch" and she replies "Am good dawg" and then you enquire "Wonna fuck doggy?" and she is like "Cool", and just like that, BANG! This would only work for me though.

Talking of whistling, whistle blowers would not have to resort to being watchmen and other whistle-toting professionals. They do serve a very useful function in a society based on and predominantly driven by lies and are forgotten to languish in the hands of lie mongers after the sensational news bite is over.

There will be an AIDS anti-virus scanner. You come close to someone with AIDS and you hear the Kaspersky virus alert in your head.

Alcohol and other drugs would be cheaper: It is simply inhumane to making suicide so expensive don't you think? Life is hard enough, now even dying got to be expensive?

All holier than thou fuckers would burn in hell. That would be ironical, poetic justice.  

In general, the world would be better: I haven't figured it out yet, but am doing what I deem my part.

Pragmatic Solutions and Offended Sensibilities

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, though sometimes some people make me wish it weren't so. Unless you are a spineless moron totally incapable of a single coherent thought, you can not be in agreement with everyone's opinion. I am not being abusive when I say a spineless moron: there are two case scenarios for it. One, you have to be spineless to be able to bend over backwards to make someone feel like they are the next Da Vinci while inwardly you feel they are wrong and a moron for recognizing it and going against your better judgement. Two, you are a moron who forgets what what they stood for yesterday, and thus spineless by all standards.
Something that comes close to ill thought-out opinions in terms of being annoying and being classified by the brain as white noise is offended sensibilities. I have never (except that one time when I did not see the need to prove this point at the cost of a beat down, story for another day if I ever get to it) and will never apologize for offending someone's sensibilities; only for mistakes and wrongdoings. After all, life is a stage and we all put on an act, and I am not about to get involved in anyone's drama or be taken in by someone's performance.
Where am I going with this? I am tired of hearing everyone's opinion why this should be that and whenever I ask what we can do about it if it is something I give a hoot about or what they are going to do about it if I could not give less of a fig, the answer is almost always, what can one do? You mean you have wasted my time and brain's processing power on a problem you knew was intractable?
Here are examples: you are sitting watching some boring @$$ movie or TV program when the guy with the remote says it is boring. You ask them to change it, and they say since you had already started watching it, you might as well finish it. What kind of retarded thinking is that? If you were getting burnt, would you keep your foot or hand in the fire, seeing as you already got a blister, you might as well get it to medium rare?
As a matter of fact, to all retarded thinkers, I'm sorry. Even they would pull back their limb from the fire, until they did not.
You are sitting in a club (I seem to sit a lot huh? ) enjoying yourself in the company of male and female friends when all over sudden the topic veers to gay shiet. Now, if we were talking about lesbianism, more than my interest will be piqued but in this case, I decide to use the opportunity of others bickering to make most of the communal bottle of whiskey, spirit or gin, or whatever it is with a high percentage of alcohol in it being shared. Someone notices that you are making no contribution to the debate and a negative one to the alcohol quantity and asks you what you think of people being gay and you honestly answer you do not have a thought to spare them. Someone asks why. Here is why: according to me, what two people do behind closed doors is none of my business. What is it is flaunted in your eyes? another asks. I would do nothing, I reply as I reach for my bottle, now that all eyes are on me. I hate being in the spotlight when there is drinking to be done.
That is being a pussy, one declares. Watch your language especially taking into account the topic of discussion, I answer, then go on and explain that while most problems have infinite solutions, only a few are optimal or practical. There are two pragmatic solutions to this one. I could ignore it and live my life or fight them, either through violence or forums and lobbying. I have no intention of going to jail so violence is out of question and lobbying against something instead of for or to get something does not seem to be a great idea to me. Thus my pragmatic solution is lets all live, as it means more girls for me, and why the hell are we talking about gay shiet while surrounded by beautiful women? That is like complaining about how smelly shiet is instead of enjoying a meal.    
Another pragmatic solution is to end this post right about..... now.

Digging Deeper

I have always heard that once you find yourself in a hole you should stop digging, but each saying has a contrary one, and in this case, there are times when not only is it wise to dig in deeper, it could prove essential  and critical. If you are a fan, you have probably read about alternate thinking, and when it is about to kick in, my mind just goes off a tangent that normally it wouldn’t and does iterations that, in retrospect, are mostly useless but hilarious. It can prove useful however as this article is a result of the said deeper exploration but some would say it a case and point of my previous assertion.

Jokes

Normally, when I heard a joke that’s really funny, I laugh and if not, try to find what whoever is saying it found humorous and if I can’t, smile good naturedly. When digging deeper, however, they are mental torture: not only do I want to determine what could possibly count as humour in an anhydrously dry joke, but also try to understand the joke on more levels than one. Here is an example:

Three rats are arguing, trying to decide who is the bravest and most daring of them all. They decide that each will tell of the most dare devil thing they have done.

Rat 1: I have eaten poisoned food so many times I have developed a taste for it.

Rat 2: That is nothing, roach stuff. I always eat cheese when I feel like; cheese used to bait rat traps!!

The third cat says matter-of-factly, “I impregnated a cat”.

I immediately got and liked the joke, but alternate thinking would not simply let me enjoy the joke. Immediately, I tried to think of how each could have accomplished its feat. Being the game that it is too my mind, game theory came into playJ.

 Players make moves determined by their knowledge of the game and of other players in the game. K=0 move players make the best move as if it were a one-off game without considering other players’ moves. K=0 move players know the most likely move k=0 move players are likely to make and thus take it into consideration. K=2 move players know the most likely move k=1 move players and lower are likely to make and thus take it into consideration. In general, K=n move players know the most likely move k=n-1 move players and lower are likely to make their moves accordingly.

What the hell has that got to do with brave rats? Players make moves based on their perceived view of the game and the rats were in the game of death. The first rat drank water after taking poison, making it a K=0 move player. The second used something to set off the trap before making off with the cheese which makes it a k=1 move player. The third rat truly had balls, no pun intended. It stood close to the trap and when the cat pounced, set off the trap at the last moment, trapping it by the neck. It the fucked the cat before eating the piece of cheese as an afterglow snack, gnawed on the rat’s tail before wiping its paw on the cat’s fur and scurrying off like a boss, or at least like a rat boss does.

Miners, gold-diggers and the population at large

As has often been said, people give up when they are just about to cross the finish line. When you are just about to win, the chances of fucking up increase exponentially: Abraham Lincoln's civil war general Ambrose Burnside is said to have been the only person who could have managed such a coup, wringing one last spectacular defeat from the jaws of victory. All cultures have stories or myths about characters who stopped just when they were about to have it wrapped. The problem is that we all see what it is instead of what it could be, and you do not want to be the fool who sold the company’s stock just before the share price doubled or who did not invest in the breakaway product because the inventor seemed weird.

 Rebels, Soldiers, Rearing Horses/Donkeys a la Asses

If you are in any of the just mentioned categories, you really do have to dig in deeper, not only in the figurative sense but in the literally, you could say mainly for practical reasons: you do not want to the guy in a dig out with bombs and shells falling around you knowing you were too lazy too to make a sturdy one and so retarded and lazy that you got into it. The same goes for rearing horses and asses: if you are going to make a stand, make sure you can stay on your hooves/ feet J

Say what?

In what I hope will be a series of articles based on user feedback as well as how I feel when I get out of bed, I will analyze human communication and in particular what Goethe referred to as the most sublime of human experiences, conversation. By analysis, it means I will meditate as well as go off tangent, simultaneously, on the subject matter, have fun with it and there will be nothing scientific about this.

Comebacks
This is an area I personally use to judge intellect, and is it a joy to get people good at it go at it. There are some rules that will typically be followed, such as abuse counts against you and you have a time frame within which to comeback with a quip of your own. Here, plagiarism is not only frowned upon, it sneered on too. Check this out:

Two youngins on the cusp of manhood (that just sounds wrong); too old to be boys and too young to be men, you could call them bon meys (see what I did there), once provoked my friend, talking big and shoving him and asked him to step outside for a talk. One of those people who seems to thrive in a fight, he was not about to pass up a chance to whop someone, leave alone someones, and they did. Long story short, 6 punches later and the bon meys were running off and as he chased them, shouted
"Where you going, the talk aint over yet"
One replied "We kinda lost for words"
To which he replies "It will be hard to find them when you are out of breath" 

You didn't see that coming, did you?
In my defense, neither does your girlfriend/wife

I can't seem to think straight
You finally coming out of the closet?

And my all time favourite and I call it my because it is mine!!!!

I don't give a shit!
I know, we keep taking shit from you and you still full of it

More on the way.....

Unnatural Emotions And Behaviours

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.

This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.

Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.
What will appear in this article is a list of emotions I strongly believe are unnatural to human beings, and their adaptation can not be reasonably explained by neither evolution nor necessity (who happens to be the legal mother of invention) and whose beginning I lay squarely at the door of unpredictable mutations (they do come with the warning: expect the unexpected), herd mentality and the desire to fit in or miscreant genes from our ancestors that resulted in the soon to be discussed monkey business:

Chivalry
This is a trait that is a result of too much romanticization, probably by the Gauls after one too many wars. No evolving stone age man would have carried a baby for his woman (children being a stone age woman's only carry on): what do you do in an ambush? fight the attackers after throwing down the baby or use it as a club? Moral of the story: Being a gentleman in a not so gentle world puts you and anyone stupid enough to rely on you in peril and might get you killed.
 Its an axiom that good guys lives are too short and jerks have always seem to live too long and thrive too well. Think Hitler, Napoleon (not the drink though that flow of thought when reading my article is not too out of line), Bush. I'm just saying...

Ladies First
If you were to tell a lady to get into a cave before you or lead the way in an unmarked, unlit jungle path in the name of being a gentleman (I think this is actually someone's ides of irony), you would have had to resort to clubbing them over their heads pretty soon, for you would have been considered a pussy.

Not meaning to be rude
If you have ever used these words, you were either being ironical or naive, for you were rude. It like a doctor telling you they will pull out your teeth without anesthesia and telling you they don't mean to cause you pain. Tell that to the over firing neurons, you quack!
Incessant apologizing is not a normal human reaction but rather a result of taking too many guilt trips, whether voluntary or forced. Cut down on the travelling a bit.

OMG 
really? if you were as suprised as you would have us believe, talking should be a problem right about now and if you still had your tongue (somehow the cat didn't quite get it), a more appropriate and natural response would be wtf?

Gosh/Woishe
Do I even need to get into this?
  

Geeks Women's List

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Many lists have been written on what women wish men knew, what men wish women knew and well, this list is not that new: It is what every geek wish women knew, and sorry to disappoint, no, it not a list of the most sexy women as determined by geeks. Without further ado:

Specs Matter

In a utopian world, we are not judged by our looks, station in life and so on. However, Earth is preeety far from being a utopian world, and like it or not, you are weighed on a scale, usually 1-10. I mean, facebook is literally a result of that. You should really not take it to hurt (I'm sic of this) that you are described as an iBoob nano or having 256 MB RAM: Geeks, hereby after referred to as we, are eccentric, and, Ripley's moment (believe it or not ), there exists a geek such that the geek loves you for you.

No geek worth his salt or sugar rush will go for aesthetics (unless there are commensurate

returns ;) for we rather tend to concentrate on the core architecture. Its great to be with a 10 on the beauty scale and undefined in intelligence (js showoff) for a short while but amazing to be with a 10 in intelligence over a period of time. As a geek, I personally have the Mrs' and mistress' properties all figured out.

While you can can't really do much about looks (I keep forgetting cosmetic surgery exists in this era and as for make-up, we got experience with photoshop remember ?), all it takes to raise the intelligence scale is picking up a book, reading my blog, reading my other blog, reading my other, other blog... in short, just read.

It really is an easy call between intelligent conversation for the rest of our lives with my wife or enjoying nyondo kurungara a la gravity defying boobs for 2 decades, tops (pun intended). As wisely noted by Goethe, conversation is the most sublime of human experiences

Electronics and You

There was no mistake in the ordering of the sub-title: It's the actual reflection of how indispensable to my life but not how I feel about you; being a logical guy, I try to keep emotions out of it. Time shall be shared fairly between gadgets and the lady, keeping in mind fairly does not mean equally. None shall take the time slot of the other. Just to put it in perspective:

If you are hanging off a cliff, and all you needed was a damn to save you and I had a pocketful of damns and you said “Honey, please give me a damn” as I was interacting with my inanimate, silicon-based friend, I shall be tempted to say “You know I don't give a damn”. If you did not recognize that, you definitely are not a geek or lack a sense of humor.

Wii and me

We will always come first (except when, you know ;) but never ever interrupt an ongoing game, in-the-zone coding session, movie, anime... the list is endless, but a rule of the thumb is if you call me twice and I don't respond, text me. If I don't reply soon... enough said

Importance Vs Priority

You are the most, ok that a blatant lie right three, one of the most, important things and person in my life. That said, one of the tenets of surviving in the ever and rapidly changing world that is geekdom is the ability to correctly classify something as important and/or urgent.

If am under attack on an online game and you want my attention, do believe from the bottom of my heart that I didn't ignore you on purpose and that my heart had nothing to do with it: I saw more than a thousand hours of late night gaming about to be laid to waste and you were saying something about us going somewhere and my subconscious classified taking defensive action on the server as urgent and your news as important. Wait, what was it you said about a hospital?

Waiiit, someone just sent another wave of attackers!!!