Tuesday, November 18, 2014

#KenyanTrivialEish

#KenyanTrivialEish
If you are an opinionated and sophisticated person, and especially woman, you might want to skip/ skim this one. By sophistication, I mean sophistry, not wearing Ray Bans googles indoor and at night, manscaping or wearing WonderBra and you are a D-Cup coz E-cups don’t exist. By opinionated, I mean believing since you had an opinion it matters; you would be right. It probably does matter, and most likely only to you. If you wish to make a point after reading, be sure to appeal to my logic and keep your self-righteousness to yourself. I too believe I’m a saint and have the solution to not only the world’s but also the galaxy’s problem when they eventually crop up.

#MyDressMyChoice
I am taking a sabbatical from Twitter because of this one. It is like that single mosquito in the room. No matter what, this hashtag just keeps buzzing in my ears and is as annoying. In the morning I hear it on radio on the boda (both types, I am a non-discriminatory traveller) AND on the matt. Note to self, save for a powerbike. I see it on TV. At work, everyone asks what I think about it. Methinks it will be a great idea to put out there (or as is the case, right here) once and for all. It will save me some repetition and increase net traffic to my blog (In Déjà vu retrospect, maybe not so much). This will pitch a few dollars towards #DaviezPowerbikeRide (Can’t really call it drive now, can I? Donations strictly through ads and M-PESA paybill no.  87655).

I believe anyone who dresses themselves should have the choice to do so as they wish. Stripping a woman to teach her not to bare too much skin is like putting your whole hand in the fire since you burnt your finger; reasoning being: the much more pain will distract you from the pain you are feeling. Enter Roddin the Thinker. Notable exceptions are Strathmore students, prisoners, nurses at work, students at school, nuns, pastors, MPs (the exception being… Enter Mike Sonko, proving true the programming-carried-over fact that for every rule there is an exception which has an exception ad infinitum), church goers…. Enter the flock, hungriez… Enter team mafisi etc.

As the list of exceptions shows, what you wear is not always as much of a choice as you think, at least if you want keep the hours in your day to normal 24. Otherwise it is likely they will increase, commonly known as siku mrefu. Disagree? How about you make the choice of wearing your birth suit tomorrow and see if you have a choice when it comes to spending some time in an asylum?
While it is true one’s dress is one’s choice, remember choices have consequences, and they are never the ones you plan or have contingencies for. As a lady, showing lot of skin will definitely win you the stares and attention of a lot of people. The majority will be the flock who will make catcalls, chat you up, take a stealie (it not a thing, you are sure?) a la pic when you have passed and other, at times annoying but always harmless, antics.

You should keep in mind however that team mafisi is roaming, seeing all the tantalizing meat but not feasting as they would like. In their midst is Roddin the Thinker, and as is true for any leader in any hyena pack, he is the biggest, meanest and most stupid to boot. He makes a catcall and you ignore, you mschew, you look at him sideways, you walk as if matope itakuumiza and whatever it is that makes him want to kill others to still feel he is a man kicks in. He goes for a bite, the other hyenas join and soon… well, you already seen it and am not rehashing this hash tag.

Thing is, this never happens to boss ladies and the likes of Mike Sonko. If you enter Dandora with gold chains and end up with stumps for hands, no one would go demonstrating about #MyChainsMyChoice and claiming the deeper issue is about the right to owning property. Everyone will agree una ufala. It never happens to Mike Sonko and boss ladies coz they understand with that choice comes a need for security and putting eish into context.

The boss lady drives her own car and the only team mafisi players she meets are her colleagues and subordinates who have something to lose if they mess with her. Sonko has security, and money, and power, and sniper rifles, and drones…. Ciku wa mtaa has swag like whoa and everyone on her most travelled routes such as drivers, touts, ma boy wa mtaa plus and many others (sic? ) all know her and are her friends, or at least think they are. Plus everyone knows she is Masgwembez’ chic.

Can you put all that into context? Gladly: the rich and powerful do and get away with doing what they want because they purchase their privacy with gated compounds, tinted cars, panic rooms mostly for fulfilling dark fantasies, helicopters, lawyers etc. The rest aka raia a la umati do it by having lots of friends and acquaintances all over. One’s security is the people around you, better known as herd security. If you are using public means of transport frequently, make a point of knowing at least 2 new people each day. (Ok Otis, now we know DT Dobie is still waiting for the spare parts you bought for your customized Mercedes and your wife went with the Chysler to order sea food in Mombasa. Damn it, I hate being an Abiria. Oh, the BS you hear!!! ).

 In comes a girl… Enter ShaggzMondo, with Nigerian movies inspired drama, mind frame and grammar with a wardrobe picked from a Nick Minaj’s video and an ego as large plus Niki’s @$$$$. ShaggzMondo meets Roddin the Thinker and pack and no one helps her and you know why? She is not part of the herd. She looks like a cross between an ass/ donkey (clothes), a zebra (clothes, words and accent: is it black or white) and a wildebeest (Mindset? Nah, it just made the image in my mind sharper is all). All around are the flock busy recording it and thinking: WTF? Stop chasing waterfalls and wear clothes and an attitude you can actually pull nOOb...

And that’s it: lots of social media outrage and media coverage then it’s on to should a given woman MP have said she will strip on public television. Your mind should be your own, and just coz you wish we all followed rules and behaved like sane, logical beings doesn’t mean we always will. It is not even an assurance all of us will even try, something you can almost always count on if you have grown up in Kenya or watched Kenyans for any period of time, or indeed, any and all human beings in the world.

The other thing to remember is that you should never let others do the thinking for you. Kenyans are demonstrating over clothes and wasting time and money simply because we were barraged by the media about it. How about a hashtag about some non-trivial eish like Kenya spearheading the push for African seats in UN security council? #AfricasUNSeatsNow, #UnitedAfricanState or #AdoptASchool anyone?

 Are #KOT, Kenyans online, the Kenyan media and Kenyans in general ready to make lasting history in things that matters with the tools we have. Or are we too busy discussing Vera’s bleaching and dressing choice or is it Kanyari and 310? History or her/ his stories aka scandals?
Either way, if you have nothing to say to me or around me, don’t talk of dressing choices and/or public stripping to me tafadhali. Actually, this is a blanket ban on any issues of public interest especially anything to do with or was on Kenyan TV and media personalities. Go catch public’s interest, I am an individual with interests of mine.


I don’t understand why they came up with the term uncomfortable silence, but if you must talk dribble, please say something that does not make me want to rip the tongue out of your mouth. It best for your physical health and my mental health. Better still, remember the saying silence is silence. Golden….

Monday, June 9, 2014

Hateration and Haternation.



It does seem like we have become a nation of haters and hatwas. I bet if someone made a brand of T-shirts called I-Got-Haters a la Hatwas and Hater they would really sell, for those of us with haters see a lot of them and like everyone to know it, including the hater. Thus we would buy a few T-shirts branded I-Got-Haters (after all, it is an ill-advised move to literally provide fodder for their gossip by wearing the same T-shirt too frequently) and a lot of Haters to mail to our haters, just in case they were too caught up hating they didn’t even realize it. Think it wouldn’t work? HATER!!!
Why I Think it Would Work (Can also read as too lazy to come up with a sub-title, and no, this aint a movie dawg)
Everyone who does not support one’s idiosyncrasies and ill-thought plans is immediately a Hater, and everyone with more than 500 followers on twirrah and 1000 likes on their fan page got Haters. The brand Hater can spread like wild fire simply through word of mouth, and even faster through strokes of keys.
Kidding aside, the above statement is true. If you have visited the facebook pages of some of the Kenyan socialite such as Vera Sidika, Lady Risper and Huddah Huddah (Can’t help it after since I heard J. Cole’s Who Dat), you know exactly what am talking about. Someone takes all their time to follow the link to the page they saw on the timeline, gets to the photos and after that posts a comment such as Malaya. WTF? What does that make you and what does it make you to their fans? Hay-eateer!!!!
So What? (Can also read as why do I care?)
As persons who are setting the trend and venturing into the unknown, there will always be those who ridicule us and try anything in their power to stop doing what you want and love. It is almost impossible to stand out and be loved; The only way to do that is to get your hands dirt helping the sick and feeding the poor like Martha Teresa, or taking rubber bullets (hopefully) and going to prison for your ideals like Wangari Maathai and Nelson Mandela. Since fame would do, be ready to be both famous and infamous, but keep true to your course and let the naysayers say their nays. Haters!!! What can else can they do anyway? (Ask Men Against Wigs and Extensions, MAWE)
I think it’s time those craving our attention learnt that we as a nation of haters aka haternation do truly detest people who waste our precious time and, more importantly, our internet bundles (Kwamboka, if your video says you twerking on Youtube, don’t be surprised if we pissed off when we see a belly dance instead). If you have nothing to offer, do not do it in our emails, shared content, timelines, walls, boards, dustbins… nowhere! If you don’t, we shall let you and the whole wide world know it, and exactly why we think you are going nowhere real fast and not only are you not all that, you are nothing at all. After all, you will only have our attention for a snap second, like the duration of a snap of a thumb and the middle finger: Hey-Twah!

Hateration and Haternation.



It does seem like we have become a nation of haters and hatwas. I bet if someone made a brand of T-shirts called I-Got-Haters a la Hatwas and Hater they would really sell, for those of us with haters see a lot of them and like everyone to know it, including the hater. Thus we would buy a few T-shirts branded I-Got-Haters (after all, it is an ill-advised move to literally provide fodder for their gossip by wearing the same T-shirt too frequently) and a lot of Haters to mail to our haters, just in case they were too caught up hating they didn’t even realize it. Think it wouldn’t work? HATER!!!
Why I Think it Would Work (Can also read as too lazy to come up with a sub-title, and no, this aint a movie dawg)
Everyone who does not support one’s idiosyncrasies and ill-thought plans is immediately a Hater, and everyone with more than 500 followers on twirrah and 1000 likes on their fan page got Haters. The brand Hater can spread like wild fire simply through word of mouth, and even faster through strokes of keys.
Kidding aside, the above statement is true. If you have visited the facebook pages of some of the Kenyan socialite such as Vera Sidika, Lady Risper and Huddah Huddah (Can’t help it after since I heard J. Cole’s Who Dat), you know exactly what am talking about. Someone takes all their time to follow the link to the page they saw on the timeline, gets to the photos and after that posts a comment such as Malaya. WTF? What does that make you and what does it make you to their fans? Hay-eateer!!!!
So What? (Can also read as why do I care?)
As persons who are setting the trend and venturing into the unknown, there will always be those who ridicule us and try anything in their power to stop doing what you want and love. It is almost impossible to stand out and be loved; The only way to do that is to get your hands dirt helping the sick and feeding the poor like Martha Teresa, or taking rubber bullets (hopefully) and going to prison for your ideals like Wangari Maathai and Nelson Mandela. Since fame would do, be ready to be both famous and infamous, but keep true to your course and let the naysayers say their nays. Haters!!! What can else can they do anyway? (Ask Men Against Wigs and Extensions, MAWE)
I think it’s time those craving our attention learnt that we as a nation of haters aka haternation do truly detest people who waste our precious time and, more importantly, our internet bundles (Kwamboka, if your video says you twerking on Youtube, don’t be surprised if we pissed off when we see a belly dance instead). If you have nothing to offer, do not do it in our emails, shared content, timelines, walls, boards, dustbins… nowhere! If you don’t, we shall let you and the whole wide world know it, and exactly why we think you are going nowhere real fast and not only are you not all that, you are nothing at all. After all, you will only have our attention for a snap second, like the duration of a snap of a thumb and the middle finger: Hey-Twah!

Hateration and Haternation.



It does seem like we have become a nation of haters and hatwas. I bet if someone made a brand of T-shirts called I-Got-Haters a la Hatwas and Hater they would really sell, for those of us with haters see a lot of them and like everyone to know it, including the hater. Thus we would buy a few T-shirts branded I-Got-Haters (after all, it is an ill-advised move to literally provide fodder for their gossip by wearing the same T-shirt too frequently) and a lot of Haters to mail to our haters, just in case they were too caught up hating they didn’t even realize it. Think it wouldn’t work? HATER!!!
Why I Think it Would Work (Can also read as too lazy to come up with a sub-title, and no, this aint a movie dawg)
Everyone who does not support one’s idiosyncrasies and ill-thought plans is immediately a Hater, and everyone with more than 500 followers and 1000 likes on their fan page got Haters. The brand Hater can spread like wild fire simply through word of mouth, and even faster through strokes of keys.
Kidding aside, the above statement is true. If you have visited the facebook pages of some of the Kenyan socialite such as Vera Sidika, Lady Risper and Huddah Huddah (Can’t help it after since I heard J. Cole’s Who Dat), you know exactly what am talking about. Someone takes all their time to follow the link to the page they saw on the timeline, gets to the photos and after that posts a comment such as Malaya. WTF? What does that make you and what does it make you to their fans? Hay-eateer!!!!
So What? (Can also read as why do I care?)
As persons who are setting the trend and venturing into the unknown, there will always be those who ridicule us and try anything in their power to stop doing what you want and love. It is almost impossible to stand out and be loved; The only way to do that is to get your hands dirt helping the sick and feeding the poor like Martha Teresa, or taking rubber bullets (hopefully) and going to prison for your ideals like Wangari Maathai and Nelson Mandela. Since fame would do, be ready to be both famous and infamous, but keep true to your course and let the naysayers say their nays. Haters!!! What can else can they do anyway? (Ask Men Against Wigs and Extensions, MAWE)
I think it’s time those craving our attention learnt that we as a nation of haters aka haternation do truly detest people who waste our precious time and, more importantly, our internet bundles (Kwamboka, if your video says you twerking on Youtube, don’t be surprised if we pissed off when we see a belly dance instead). If you have nothing to offer, do not do it in our emails, shared content, timelines, walls, boards, dustbins… nowhere! If you don’t, we shall let you and the whole wide world know it, and exactly why we think you are going nowhere real fast and not only are you not all that, you are nothing at all. After all, you will only have our attention for a snap second, like the duration of a snap of a thumb and the middle finger: Hey-Twah!