grey area

DRY SPELLS AND POSTER FACES

2012-02-15T01:27:00.003-08:00

Most people living in sub-Sahara Africa know exactly what a dry spell is: that time of the year, January( why the hell do all bad things have to be crammed in one month: school fees [am now a parent,hehehe, 4 kids, its back to school], being broke, dry spells etc), when everywhere is dusty and the grass on the other side is truly greener. All farmers complain of lack of water and how hard it is to survive. I do know that most of my readers cant tell a hoe from a whore and we are living in a global village so for the sake of not making the others feel left out and the topic relevant to all, I'm using it as an analogy. So without further ado, let start a crash course on dry spells and ways to deal with them.
Definition
Dry spell: A relatively long period in a region without moisture, rain etc with poor prospects of the same.
Assumptions: A long period is about 2 weeks and above.
The region is located below the waist and above the knees.
The moisture is from something wet (highlanders) and the rain from a crater (ox-bow lakers).
In case you find yourself in the above situation, here are a few remedies:

Monkey Bars

You never miss the water till your well is running dry... to ensure that your well never runs dry, have more than one well (girlfriend), an oasis (that whoever who loves you unconditionally) and piped water(booty call). And never,ever break up with someone until you have the another in your grip, the way a monkey does with monkey bars, after which its on to the next one...

Poster Faces
Adhering to the philosophy of Taurus Riley, your dry spell is probably a result of not wanting what you getting. Considering your circumstances, you might want to review your standards:downwards. With the maxim beggars cant afford to be choosers in mind,it is time to aim low, literally and figuratively; aim very,veeery low.
However, this is a linear function: the lower you aim, the lesser your enthusiasm. Thus to avoid shame in the game, you have to work with your mind to keep the psyche up.
Simply put, plaster a poster of a hooooot gal on her face and imagine you are with her. The author is not liable for the consequences that follow this action

Professional Personal Issues Handler
Also know as whores, malaya, call girls etc. Enough said

Sex in a can
I am currently working on it(you can bet it will be a trillion dollar industry), but in the mean time, there are some less-than-satisfactory substitutes: Invest in a toolbox (dildos 4 ox-bow lakers, inflatable dolls 4 highlander), porn, vaseline... you get the gist

Join a monastery
It was a valid choice if your situation was hopeless but with all the waywards priests, you might want to reconsider.

I aint paid for this eish, am outta here

BRAWL 101

2010-09-13T23:47:00.000-07:00

No matter how much of a pacifist you are, as long as you frequent places with high crowds of people who are unusually excited, and thus most likely inebriated (people love getting high, or is it just me), you will likely witness a brawl over some trivial misconstrued affront. Ego, women and nature top the men’s list, and for women, the most common but least expressed reason is that the other woman is prettier, classier and usually younger: Incoming menopause can be a real female dog. So far, things are going great, who needs cable TV when you got live action and you decide you need to get a better look.
That’s one of the absolute donts of the Brawl 101. The reason is simple: Human beings are animals, thus travel in packs, are prone to herd mentality, and above all, love a good old fashioned thumping, especially if they are not on the receiving end. If you move closer, you will get caught up in some action you merely wished to watch, because the other pack members will always swoop in to help one of their own, resulting in the fight escalating, and due to your curiosity, legendary for killing cats, being caught up in it. Herd mentality makes everyone want a piece of the action, and good old fashioned thumping makes you a prime target with your attention else.
If, however you get in a brawl, here are a few rules of thumbs.
Stopping keeping rules of thumbs
This is not the time to be philosophical and when a fist is headed towards your mouth, that’s not the time to try out interpersonal skills. It could be bad for hygiene and doesn’t reveal your know-how on body language in such great light. Survival mode requires way lesser brains cells, which might explain why alcohol induces I-AM-JET-LI hallucinations (usually with catastrophic results), and the more the brain is left out of it, trust in reflex action and adrenaline, the better. You don’t want to be worrying about a P3 form as you punch someone’s face; takes all the fun out of it. Focus.
Don’t fight with an ugly person
The only way they could get attention on the playground was bullying and fighting, which means they are probably more experienced in ass-kicking than you. More importantly, they got nothing to lose.
Know thine enemy
You don’t want to fight a martial expert, you could probably make a career as a human punch bag, neither do you want to pick a fight with someone who has 20 friends, all of whom look like they eat your weekly food portions in one sitting. It goes without saying that if your opponent knows the bouncers or is bigger than you; it’s time to apply the next rule.
Know all points of exits
The reasons are varied; a fire, police raid, imagined alien abduction/invasion (matters what you took), a quick getaway. A brawl is not the time to be a hero. If things start to go south, scatter like a scatter diagram.
And above all
Fight hard, fight like you mad, and fight dirty
This is not the time to be a gentleman, your being in a brawl takes care of that, and if it helps you to win, do it. Hit below belts and aim for the nipples, bite and scratch, swing a bottle and stab, shoot and blow away…. It’s been a rough week.

LONE WOLF SYNDROME

2010-06-08T15:02:00.000-07:00

Most people find it vexing when I tell them exactly what’s on my mind. My shrink calls it lack of a social filter, not to be mistaken with motor mouth which is just plain annoying (and which most people, namely –use ratios to compute-, seem to suffer from) . I am not one to mince words. Here is an example:
“Yeah, the dress looks great and you are 3 sizes smaller”
Or “Can we just cut to the chase and go dry hump? It’s the least you can do seeing as it is you wasted my whole night.”
I cannot stand the preening, social posturing and stupidity which seems to thrive like yeast in ferment milk in large numbers and gatherings of people, football matches and political rallies provided as case studies, a trait found in lower creatures known as herd mentality; thus I prefer to keep others at a distance, better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know who might infect you with herpes, except on those occasions when human contact is necessary, say on the dance floor or a paid for strip tease on your bachelor party (It’s one of the reasons people get married incidentally). However, this syndrome has not developed based solely on personal traits and bias but with a mixture of learnt mistrust of human beings and a revulsion to their greed and glee at others misery; For despite what you think, man is not above killing his fellow man for money, women, land and other material things considered worth more than a man’s life and often for much less. I never heard of a hyena tearing off its young limbs for eating the left-over bone, yet women, the epitome of human gentleness and selflessness, are known to brand their children with hot irons for pocketing 20 shillings change. If that’s how you treat your child, am not sure I can even trust you to not bite off my tongue if we kiss.
I prefer to rely on myself, so that in case of failure, I have no one to blame, and in the more than assured case of success, well, having to share my glory and rewards with no one. I am more inclined to swimming and lawn tennis as opposed to team sports; the reason I love programming is because no one is hovering over my shoulder telling me what to do, following orders never having been my forte, or having to rely on someone’s expertise for the patient to get off the surgery table. I am a born dreamer, preferring to slip off to other worlds and alter dimensions offered by reading, art, cyberspace and I discovered recently, meditation (All those wasted years!).
Here is a rundown of why I prefer to have many friends on Facebook and MySpace but a close band of a few number of friends who I know will help me put out the fire on my hat (I do not have a hut, so it will have to do), and if you are not on the list, I wrote it while in another plane of consciousness, and that is my excuse.

PEACOCKS
It seems like everyone hates hearing how well you are doing, because mostly we don’t care and also because deep down we are jealous, which is what you intended when you came bragging to us in the first place. If you are so successful, don’t you have to be somewhere doing what it is pompous asses do (I am guessing farting and diarrhoea, for you surely suffer from a bad case of verbal diarrhoea). These creatures will brag everywhere: funerals, harambees and chang’aa joints (which leaves one wondering what they are doing there instead of Vegas). If you fall in this category, you need to surround yourself with a bunch of imbeciles who can sing your praises all night long. How exactly does my knowing you make a million help me? If you have nothing mutually beneficial, informative or amusing to say, be reminded silence is golden.
WILD DOGS
They travel in packs, are very dangerous and make a great deal of noise, but when cornered individually, are simply pathetic and run with their tail between their legs.
HYENAS
These are well known scavengers, never going in for the kill but always ready to swoop in when you are down and under.

Supply Demand Demystified

2009-12-15T09:06:00.001-08:00

ALTERNATE THINKING

2009-11-28T17:01:00.000-08:00

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.

This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.

Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.

In one of those moments that inspire a man to take to the skies, albeit with arms for wings, I decided to practice the little philosophical principles I was trying to wrap my head around and came up with a method to make your life more profound and fun. These are the tenets of Alternate Thinking:

Revel at others stupidity.

No thoughts or better still, weird thoughts are good thoughts.

Do not reason, malreason.

You could try and act normal, but its usually not worth the effort or as fun

Its takes discipline to master Alternate Thinking for you must switch back to normal thinking at will, but it’s such an experience you do not want to go back to normal.

Here are a few examples of my Alter Experiences:

MAN JAILED FOR BEASTILITY
The animal in question was a goat, which is why I prefer chicken. As expected of a civilized society (The polished horde, made of two mighty tribes, the Bores and the Bored. Not my words), this caused an outcry and baying for blood, and not the goat’s. What I was wishing for however was the goat to suddenly acquire speech; and what stories it would tell.
Reporter: "what happened on the given day Milky?"
Milky: "He lured me with some fodder into the pen (sobs)"
Reporter: "Then what happened (looking at milky with a somber expression, though if you looked closely you could see the dollar signs in her eyes)?"
Reporter: "(Milky hesitates) what transpired Milky?"
Milky: "He came in with the milking can which I thought was odd for it was not milking time. Then he started caressing my udder with suggestive motions...."

At this point, the lecturer called out my name and I had to snap out of my reverie and back to normal mode.

LARGE TRACTS OF LAND IN MAU OWNED BY GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS
In a land filled with the destitute and the under-privileged, it comes to one as a shock that people allocated themselves hectares of land in Kenya's most important water catchment area. The moral aspect of the issue notwithstanding, blatant greed and sheer plunder in a country faced with hunger and squatters, for we can safely assume the concerned parties have not an iota of moral juice, one would have to be extremely thick skulled to not realize the environmental consequences of their action; the common mwananchi was caught in the in the path of two warring bulls, a moment best described as when an unstoppable force (stupidity) meets an immovable object(nature) .
What I was asking myself however was whether any of this self anointed demi-gods would be buried in a grave an acre wide, and how that would be achieved; burning, chopping to pieces.... my Alternate Thinking really picked up from this point, going off this vein for quite some time.

CHOLERA OUTBREAK
I had been watching Jack Buer being missed my automatic gunfire from several quarters yet kill all the ‘bad guys’ with a boomerang (24), and this is how I imagined a cholera patient's drama.

The following takes place between 12:00 and 12:25
12:01 (Great rumbling noise, like a building crumbling down in a cloud of grey cement dust. Camera zooms in to the patient's stomach, which is the source of the sound).
Patient Zero: “Oh I need my medicine”.

The patient streaks out of the room, throwing away his coat as he races. Patient Zero is slow motioned as he prepares to dive; He dives through an open toilet door, turning as he instantaneously lowers his trousers. Halfway through the turn, his guts cannot hold it in anymore, and he paints abstract art in the toilet.
Forgot to inform you the episode’s PG Rating: Never Watch.

WHAT THE FRUIT
Someone, I can’t exactly recall who but he was prominent, once said that few are as open-minded as we think we are. This harsh reality was recently confirmed when proposing a better way to approach a project to my supervisor was met with this very candid and accommodating reply: You can go off on any tangent and do it as you see fit as long as you follow these guidelines. The guidelines so restricting I couldn’t swat a fly off my @$$ if I needed to. I was recently asked what I thought of lesbianism, and since two women fucking is like two women knitting (Mario Puzo), I replied I was ok with it, and would support it if I was allowed to watch and occasionally participate. Then it was inquired what I thought of homosexuality. There are some lines that can never be crossed, and even in this life where the only constant is change, there are absolutes: physical absolutes like gravity.
So what do I think we should do about gay men? Sending them to jail is like punishing a kid by locking her in a chocolate factory or Disney world. This is where alternate Thinking comes in: Why not create a guillotine? If it’s your eye that makes you sin……

EVOLUTION AND REVOLUTION

2009-11-22T21:29:00.000-08:00

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.
If you are a proponent of the theory of evolution and apply it as I do, what I am to write is something obvious to you. I have many reasons to believe evolution took place, for the stupidity I witness can only be attributed to miscreant leftover genes from our apes’ ancestors activating if humans were to remain intelligent creatures. Correcting for personal bias (I am open-minded like that), you will surely have noticed that the times have changed: Gone are the wide-eyed romance stories told by the fireside that beat any silhouette novel hands down (I became interested in literature pretty young). Your eyes simply teared. Damn this smoke!
She and your dad met while he was a broke bachelor, with a stool and a bed as his sole possessions. How they learnt what sukuma-wiki really meant and working hard saved enough so you can now demand nothing short of Shangri-la matters when it comes to your heart. The bliss of youth; recall ignorance is bliss. Pretend to have read my other articles (and if you did kudos) and surmised that I abhor gold-diggers, but even I have to admit that as the times have changed, so have the benchmarks and scales on which women measure and weigh us (make no mistake; you are weighed, measured, and if not lucky like me, mostly found wanting). I shall provide a quick rundown of these changed benchmarks.
Bravery
Urban Vibez: Go-Getter
Back in the day, sorry, stone age, women wanted someone who came back with the battle’s loot and could hold down the fort in case of an attack. My guess is this was the beginning of the Kenyan Bimbo stereotype of an ideal man: Tall and dark. I don’t know about the tall, but dark was essential if one was to blend in with the dark and whisk away the other village’s girl by the stream at twilight. The women who are a step ahead of the rest of us in our current enlightenment however (read gold-diggers and whores) go for a differently qualified man: Pot-bellied with a second-hand car and if he has several businesses and estates, the better. First seek the kingdom of richesneous, and most women shall be yours as well.
Village Hero
Urban-Vibez: Celeb
I recall reading a book about a boy whose cow was rustled (its cattle rustling right?) and how he used his awesome tracking skills and retrieved the beloved cow using his sling to immobilize the enemy, incidentally armed with guns. I remember it for although I really enjoyed it, I was disappointed by its ending, for all he got for his heroics was a feast. In my remixed version, I could visualize the girl who would offer me her garden’s maiden fruits (fresh firm oranges she had just harvested from her thriving backyard garden) while trying to create holographic images of some of silhouette vivid descriptions.
Today, raiding is not a viable economic activity and everyone needs their village hero. Enter the celeb. In many ways, they are like the village hero: Well known, flamboyant and love to hear other sing and create pose of their deeds. The similarities end there: Most have done nothing worth writing about and are well known not for protecting their villages but for flashing boobs on stage and revealing their stupidity in the name of an attitude in public. Fair trade for most people I guess.
Village Baby Pusher
Urban Vibez: Whore, Gold-digger etc.
The term was as a consequence of ineffective birth control methods, an enormous libido coupled with minute self-control and material greed often resulting to a crowd of children. Then it was clothes, jewelry graduating to herds of cattle and a mud hut. Nowadays clothes, jewelry, cars and a suburbia mansion will do. Sometimes evolution results only in surface changes of our desires or their getting bigger.
This is where the principle of action and reaction and yin-yen balance come in; the consequences are greater too. Then it was a horde of children and becoming the village pariah. Today it’s STIs, AIDS, pimps, cops and stigmatization. Next time we have a national disaster caused by blind leadership, a good diversion might be the need to reform the first profession’s industry rules and working conditions.
Dowry
Urban vibez: Money, Cheddar etc.
It was paramount that before you could ask a maiden’s hand in marriage, you ensure that your father could afford to pay the dowry and if not:
a) Work until you can afford to do it yourself
b) Elope with the maiden
c) Be a bachelor
Today, most women will not hear of dowry being paid to their parents, much to the relief of the struggling brother. What he did not ask was why, and had he done it, he would not have been given the correct answer: Because most women have the intention of collecting it themselves. By the way C was not much of an option then, but I put it there as much to remind you as myself that it is an option.
If you require me to point out the relationship between finance and today’s romance, try reading something with pictures and butterfly drawings.
WHAT THE FRUIT
People are constantly drawing parallels between apes' mating behavior and ours: the male giving the female grub for sex. First of all, am not an Effing monkey and secondly, how about men retrogress back to clubbing you over the head, only now we can use sleeping darts and chloroform? Never try to convince anyone to do anything because an animal does it, and if you are a believer in animal unpretentious ways, why don’t you take all the clothes off and run cooing around? The mental image is not too bad for a hot gal really.

VENUS VS MARS

2009-11-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.
The question has been asked, who is stronger, and who is greater? I, being a man, will of course say men, but looking at literature, it was Helen not Hector who caused the battle of Troy; religion clearly states that man was to be the master of all the world and creatures in it. So the real question is, are women creatures? I shall not go on in this vein for fear of alienating my fairer sex readers, but rather point out a different angle to the problem: who is stronger or greater than a man and a woman brought together by love, sex and romance? For its well known that man’s greatest motivation is his desire to please a woman, from the Stone Age hunter to the modern age executive.
We have all heard that behind every successful man there is a woman, and many are disappointed when they look over the man’s shoulder and see no one. What they do not know is the fact that almost all men who have achieved greatness are inspired one way or the other by a woman, though it might not necessary be at their moment of greatness: Obama, Shakespeare, me. The influence could be from various sources: Mothers, girlfriends, spouses or even a woman a man has his eyes on or one who ditched or tuned him down. Below are some of the most noteworthy inventions made by men and I shall provide the woman behind inspiration.
Clothing
We can all agree that clothes were primarily a western invention; the most probable cause of their discovery being the size of the Caucasian male, his African counterpart perfectly at ease and swaying with the breeze with no pants. The other reason that comes to mind was though man is a visual creature, imagination is still his most potent aphrodisiac, and with the astounding technological advancements in the agricultural sector in Mesopotamia resulting in better food security, some things were just better left to the imagination.
Telephone
This invention can be attributed to several characteristics in men:
1. The desire to have a backup plan, known in other words as a booty call.
2. Men being pathological liars needed a device to say they were held up in a meeting while they were off soothing and wooing the backup plan.
3. The desire to call up the woman at anytime and depending on how long she took to answer, determine if there was a rat that ruled when the cat left.
Motor Vehicle
This one should be pretty obvious: It was so that a man could reach his woman in the least time possible, or make a quick getaway if seeing another’s man woman. Recent improvements in this invention have resulted in the car being a place of romantic escapades. Vroom!!
Birth Control
When polygamy was not an issue, a man was content with bowing to whims of the monthly cycle simply by being on a high rotation timetable with several women. However, women decided to mess with the balance of things and the reason of ratios and numbers and demanded one man, one woman. Necessity is the mother of invention: Man came up with condoms, birth control pills and contraceptives and knowing fully well that no woman will take them simply to sate his appetite, he pulled one of the few Trojan horses we have put past women: he introduced them under the title women empowerment and choice. Sex inspires genius.
Internet
The greatest invention by man yet, and you will see why in a moment. It’s a portal to pictures, descriptions, videos and profiles of women from different backgrounds, races and sizes, some of whom we would never have known were it not for the internet (Men know their porn stars like women know their soaps slimy actors). It lets a man indulge in all his fantasies in the safety of his home. Add to that email and social sites that further enable his conniving ways while leaving no trail behind like messages and mails and you can start to see the capabilities and possibilities offered by this invention.
Viagra
I tend to believe that the pharmaceutical industry was a result of the pursuit of Viagra. No one invention best shows how sexual desire drives and inspires a man as does this drug and many others in its category.

WHAT THE FRUIT?
I recently had the opportunity to be involved in a brainstorming session come up with a great business plan, and could not believe it when my plan was shot down, unanimously I might add. For I had come up with the greatest idea of all time: R&D in coming up with canned sex. Imagine the demand for the product. Not to speak of people who will become hooked to canned sex. Why can’t people recognize a great idea when they see one?

2009-09-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

AM NOT YOUR DADDY!!!!

Typical Nairobi lady: Boy meets Girl, Boy finds himself inexorably drawn to Girl and just when Boy is about to call the waiter and request her to keep the drinks coming, girl tries to sneak her miner fingers into boy’s wallet. Boy flag is immediately half mast. So saddening, Boy muses. A constant complaint from the fairer sex, gender doesn’t sound as good, is that we don’t treat them well. Here is an analogy I am sure you will all understand and comprehend, and if not, you are a live specimen of evolution over creation: Which pair of shoes do you treat better, the Prada shoes or the second-hand ulipoz? One is worn on special occasions, well polished or whatever it is you do with Prada shoes, I have many idiosyncrasies: one of them is not women or any fashion whatever, while the other goes to the bathroom, shared with friends and in general, treated rather shoddily? You DIGG!!!!!

Its common knowledge that we are facing hard economic times, but there are very few things I abhor more than a manipulative, self-serving creature is anyone who taints one of the few things I consider sacred, and that’s love. Don’t meet me at the bank then call me later to ask me to your pals and you as you paint the town red. You have had my number the whole week. You knew you would be going out, though you may not have settled on the coordinates just yet. Am bound to be curious, having no pet cat: why the sudden interest? I do know I can rest assured it has nothing to do with my heavier-than-usual wallet.

I prefer people who are straight shooters, literally and figuratively, or masters of subterfuge and intricate plans, ploys and string pulling. I believe in the power of imagination, of words unspoken and deeds done and over with. I don’t like anything I can see through, except of course lingerie; it’s not as stimulating and invigorating to the mind, and that what you want stimulated, and the other exhausted. Either tell me straight up this will only work as long as am in good financial health, in which case I will tell you what you already know, involving bolts, nuts and screwdrivers or do something noteworthy to make the otiose task of investing in a money-losing venture an easier pill to swallow and assuage my financial acumen as to the soundness of the madness. I expect value for money: An entertainer who has to entertain me, a meal has to sate me. See where am going with this? If not, my IQ waste and garbage filter has to be upgraded.

Who Is Your Daddy?

I’m the only one allowed to ask that question, and no, we are not just about to get X-rated (not any more than usual anyway). I do not understand how someone claiming to be mature and intelligent to boot is simply unable of solving simple arithmetic trivia. We are in the same class or job, am dependent on someone, at least officially, like you or make the same meagre salary as you do. How the fruit do you expect me to be your daddy or personal banker, picking up the tab after you? I don’t digress on the symbiotic relationship between finance and romance, but there is hell no way I’m paying your day-to-day expenses. Simply put: I’m not your keeper. As soon as you sign the prenuptial, start mailing me the bills; until then, I will take you out, but am not paying the rent for a premises I only occasionally use (when I sleep over: That does not sound any better).

I’m one of those who believe it’s wiser to invest in friends as compared to someone with whom I’m yet to know where I stand. If you are strongly inclined to the contrary, invest in drilling equipment or take a hard look at yourself in the mirror; if you can stand it, that is.

GET A BOUNCER

There are some women out there who somehow believe the man they are with is a cross between Jet Li and Jackie Chan, with the brain of a gorilla, ready to thump his chest and kill off anyone at her whim. They will pick fights with someone twice your size or a pack of men whose idea of fun is knocking out all your teeth, and expect you to stand up for her. Let’s get something straight: If I assess the situation and determine I will be fighting a losing battle, or my only option is my face hitting someone’s fist, I will not fight. It’s called common sense. There is a good reason adrenaline is called the fight or flight hormone, and only someone suicidal places a mate over survival, instead of burning some rubber soles. I can always get another mate: not so with my teeth or life.

Learn to fight your own battles, otherwise find someone willing to. My job description does not include being your personal bodyguard. I will not fight for you. Had I clubbed you on the head and dragged you to my cave, then it will be a different story.

HE JUST LOOKS OUT FOR ME

I am looking out for something alright, but it’s not you, but rather the ultimate opportunity. The only reason I will do nice things for anyone is because I expect something good in return. That’s the principle of cause and effect and fair remuneration. The only person who looks after your welfare simply from the goodness of their heart is your parent: do I look like we are related? Keep your end of the bargain otherwise, good luck in your life.

WHAT THE FRUIT

I once had the misfortune of trying to know someone (must I add carnally?), who could only tell me how various people who had dated her measured up to her father, and finally worked down the list to me (it was rather lengthy). Other than being very disturbing and being the kind stuff that induces lifetime trauma, is the knowledge that you simply cannot measure up: You did not give her life, wipe mucus off her nose, change her stinking diapers and all the other endearing stuff that dads do.

However, if you feel so strongly about your father, get a clone of him or date him. I have enough eish in my life without you adding emotional trauma and unrealistic expectations to the list. I will not be molded in your father’s cast, and if you won’t take me for me, I hear a walk is good for your heart and health: Just don’t forget to get lost on your way back. Over and Outta Here!!!

COLD SHOWERS AND SOUR GRAPES

2009-09-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

This is not a happy-me-time guide to showering and eating grapes.

There are some rules of the thumb that, if known by everyone, make relationships so easier to understand. Being my normal helpful self, you can thank me later, I try to break them down intellectually (I really put in that word for the heck of it).

Rule 1: If you can’t get what you want, want what you can get.

However, its has come to my knowledge that while this approach to dating solves one problem i.e. the Sour Grapes Syndrome, it creates an even more debilitating one: The Cold Shower Moment.

SOUR GRAPES

The Sour Grapes Syndrome can be put succinctly as the condition where something or someone you can’t have suddenly becomes revolting and nauseating, for no other reason but simply that you can’t get them.

You all remember the Kaka Sungura tales, one of the few classes where I actually paid attention, where he decided that the juicy fruits he had struggled so hard to get were sour anyway, (And to all those claiming they don’t: you didn’t know Oliver Twist or Harry Potter by then), and thus not worth the hassle or trouble of getting them and in fact, he was better off without them. It was with this tale on my mind that I had a moment of great clarity, the kind that inspired Da Vinci to draw a helicopter if I don’t come off as too self-conceited, I found a connection with the story and human relationships (laugh all you want, they called Da Vinci crazy too). Men suffer from it mildly, while most women have a fully blown epidemic.

This usually happens when you are sitting in a table and a friend notices this charming, sexy, alluring lady as she passes by (their own words), and not one to let an opportunity pass them by, approaches the lady. After what are clear indications that things aren’t going too well for the brother, he comes back to the table, both his mood and the perception of the lady changed. Now she is a stuck up bitch who enjoys torturing men with her assets and has a serious Michelin and Firestone production factory in her midsection real estate. Take a wild guess what his mood was like, and how much more fun your lunch just became, albeit at his expense.

Women are more vindictive, and it’s not beyond them to enquire if one is gay, for its simply not fathomable to her and is definitely against nature for a man to not be into her and be heterosexual.

COLD SHOWERS

If you happen to be one of those people who write budgets simply to fill up your notebook, then you definitely know this scenario: You lace up your shoes laces and hit the road, ostensibly to become lean and feat, but in actuality just preparing for the torture and psyching yourself to take that cold shower and if everything fails, to be just too sweaty to not bathe.

This is when you discover that your friend has a perception ability you were unaware of, usually when they describe their new hitch with words you didn’t know they knew. When they say they had a connection, it’s not about looks, it’s something deeper and my favourite, she’s beautiful on the inside (how did they see her inside?), or he just likes to monkey around.

Then you brace yourself and step into the shower, brain in full consolation mode, mentally running down the health benefits of taking one and its less malicious nature on the reproductive system. When the first jet of cold water hits you however, jolting you back from the self-delusion alter dimension, your body makes it know that it much prefers the warm water, screw the health benefits.

A Cold Shower Moment is when you decide you are better off single and very alone rather than with who you are currently stuck with (Stuck is the word), relationship benefits notwithstanding (assured intimacy, daily calls, weekly arguments).

That’s what relationships are made of, cold showers that jolt you in realizing you can do better, or someone better, and sour grapes for the better you wish you could do.

Hope I made your spirits soar.

What The Fruit

With all the technological and other forms of human advancement, you would think we have improved the human social paradigm with matching success but unfortunately, that’s not the case. I personally would like to see a radical change in male-female relationships.

Friends with benefits is a step in the right way, divorce is not.

This is sure to generate a lot of heat, so I am working on my asbestos suit called I DON’T CARE.

CHANGING THE WORLD MY ASSET!!!

2009-03-05T04:26:00.000-08:00

THE GREY AREA
It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.
This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.
Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.

If you are anything like me, I know there is a very little chance of that but it’s worth the try, then you are as mightily pissed off by swollen-headed, self-conceited, vain humans who brand themselves as artists and have the nerve to stand in front of a camera and shamelessly proclaim to the whole world how they will, and have, changed the world.

When it’s pointed out that what they are doing is called earning their upkeep, they shamelessly say "it’s not about the money, it’s all about the art and what I wanted to do". Pleeeassseee then if you love your art so much why not get a job, do your art at free time and give it away or at least don’t charge me an arm, a leg, an eye and a ball for a canvas with some paints? Normal people too have things they would like to do, called hobbies, and you do them at their free time. I want to be a millionaire, and am having rotten luck with that. It’s all about the money baby!!!

Am not trying to downplay the impact of artists in our lives: what will we do without Soulja Boy’s Marco Polo after barely escaping with our lives after being caught in a shootout? What I abhor is Britney Spears saying she wants to change the world. The only thing she will be changing any time soon is diapers, whether she wants it or not.

All people do have an impact in the world, yes, but there is no room for the self-deluding in my heart. We all have heard the line I am changing the world in a small way. Now that a line used by all losers and low self-esteemed people to make themselves feel better and to feed their malnourished egos. Picking up a paper does not change the world: the paper is simply transferred from the sidewalk to a landfill. If you had eaten the paper, now that would have changed your world!!

Listed below are some of the people or groups of people who should refrain from using the cliché:

Musicians

Your throwing in of a line on global warming in your song and then flying halfway across the world in a personal jet did not, I repeat, did not reduce the amount of green house gases in the atmosphere and neither did your telling me to read books instead of listening to the radio (how then was I supposed to get the damn message?). If you start a social hall in your neighborhood, now that changes lives. If you want us to read, open libraries we can access, otherwise shut the fcuk up and make those self-serving and exalting songs we shall listen to when we want to escape our sorrows and leave advice to the pros.

Artists

In this category am talking to painters, sculptors mainly because they make easier targets, and also because I fall in the other category of writers, playwrights and bloggers. Ha! Splashing colours and paints on a canvas does not in any way change the world, in fact your adding to the pollutants in the environment and the mind (more on that in a later article if I get round to it), nor does it help anyone, except of course you, who ends up with a big hefty paycheck. Changing a slab of stone to an animal-looking thingy I would agree is of aesthetic value but I digress on its importance to human civilization and advancement. A sculpture never helped a starving man, unless he is the sculptor, and is what my grandmother would call a fool’s endeavor: wasting so much effort that could have been put to better use working on a farm.

Athletes

I may stay up all night watching the grand slam, the IRB sevens or the Champion’s League, but I would advice you to reduce the quantity of hallucinogens you are taking if you think a WWE superstar impacts in any way on my life (why are they called superstars? Only young boys and a few psycho men know them). Sports might change the world. (Keyword: might. Let me research that one first. I have shot myself enough times in the foot and have no intention of shooting my leg too). Athletes don’t.

YOU DIGG!!!

So you are all wondering, who then changes the world. I will give you some examples:

Wangari Mathai changed the world.

Nelson Mandela changed the world.

Einstein changed the world.
Shaka Zulu changed the world.
Osama changed the world.
Bush changed the world for the worse.
Martin Luther King changed the world.
Churchill, not the comedian, changed the world.
Hitler did change the world.

Anyone with a single or a painting out there who feels they should be on this list?

What the Fruit?!

I was recently dragged to an art gallery against my will, purportedly to help me appreciate life, emotions and struggles frozen in canvas (not my word). What I did appreciate was the luxury money affords one, for the buyers, did I tell you we were there to just watch? And Federer was playing against Nadal? , were doling out money for paintings which if given to me, would end up in a trash bin and the frame sold for a few shillings. One suspiciously looked as if the painter had simply taken paint and thrown it on the canvas. Which he indeed confirmed as true saying it signified the chaos and randomness in life. Let’s try that shall we?
Dfasfsdf gfsdfgdfg gfhgfhfj ewrqwerytyuj 345645 gfhj76i67856ghfsghghhfj thyeyu6er rtwerttwert ertwe
Was that a master piece of a sentence or what?

THE WORST KEPT SECRET: PART ONE

2009-03-02T14:00:00.000-08:00

It’s GREY not GRAY. I leant the Queen’s English mate.

This the area where wrong and right merge, dark and light co-exist and nothing said can or would be held against the author in a court of law, morals, social norms, tennis or any other court implied but not limited to, any meaning perceived from the word court.

Warning: Opinions herein contained are not even necessarily the author’s own.

I have been discussing with a few of my female colleagues/ friends exactly what men and women want in this life, and especially in relationships. I agree am no expert at this, at the risk of being torn apart by the pack of hounds that constitutes my close friends who can sniff out any weakness and use it ruthlessly against you, but am certain in the knowledge of my manhood and so this is the list of what I know I Want, and what other men told me they want when I carried out some research (guess the method of data collection and the field area). This is the worst kept secret in the world, and I am hoping to make it even more so.
I have tried to keep it as concise as possible, and skipping the really ribald stuff (of course it was there), this are some of the things. And without further ado, ladies and gentlemen……………….

GIVE ME SPACE

If you ever listened to anything your physics teacher said, you probably remember that matter occupies space, and reducing the space a body occupies causes an increase in pressure. A psychiatrist will tell you pressure increases irritability, which causes arguments. Common sense dictates that arguments are bad for any relationship, especially anger-driven ones.

Proof
Maxim 1: Arguments are bad for a relationship.
Theorem 1: If space reduces, pressure increases.
If pressure increases, irritability increases, resulting in more arguments.
Therefore, the more space you give a man, the better the relationship.

YOU DIGG!!!!
In essence, what this means is let me do my thing: hit the books, hang out with the boys, that kind of thing. Just because I took you to lunch yesterday does not mean I want to go to lunch with you every day. Nothing gets a man running faster than a clingy, egocentric woman. We love freedom (one of the reasons we prefer boxers), and if you intend to take away a man’s freedom either have massive firepower (Guantanamo bay comes to mind), or do it slowly and in a way that don’t leave him feeling short-changed.
3 calls a week is plenty (how many times will I call you if we get married if it’s daily now?), a meal 2 times a week good enough and a weekly heart-to-heart with low lights and slow music perfect, and if you make it fortnightly, heavenly.
There must be an exception that proves the rule, and in this case it’s the sleepovers (I told you am not an expert at this. I still love sleepovers). This is the one area that a man will not mind even if you hog all his free time. Open your palm and the sand will stay in your arms. Try to close your fist around it and it will pour through your fingers

BE A LADY IN THE STREETS

Ever noticed the flirty, sleazy girl never has a long lasting relationship? She does get many more dances, but after the dance, she walks alone on her way home. How do you expect me to keep you on my side if all you do is flirt with other men in the club, at the pool, anywhere?! Were I to wake up and find you in my arms, I want to believe it’s because of my irresistible charm, because we clicked, or something to that tune. If you act sleazy, I won’t necessarily turn you down; after all opportunity only knocks once ama?
Don’t turn up with a microscopic dress on our way to church. Don’t say fcuk when around strangers: the reason you are not embarrassed is because am embarrassed enough for the two of us. Act like a lady…. All I need is an act.

BE A LIBERAL

And am not referring to your politicalpersuasion or outlook here. I mean be open minded to, you know, stuff. We are visual creatures and the thing with visual people even in normal life is that they fantasize; a lot. I know there will be boundaries of course but do indulge me now and then.
The exception to the rule: more than the two of us when there is more than one of us.

WHAT THE Fruit?

I was recently reminiscing over my personal troubles when I saw one of those moments that totally wreck your train of thoughts, resulting in major causalities. Apparently two fully asset grown men were crying over a chic that had played them. As they discussed, or rather whined, over their troubles I managed to get the damsel in limelight number, but that’s a story for another day. The question that was on the forefront of my mind was; where was the pride of these two sissies? Where were the times when two men would fight over anything; soccer, beer brand or Angelina Jolie vs. Salma Hayek, but never over a woman? Truly how do you make a man of a Celelac-mutant, overgrown boy? Its time boys out there tainting the name of men learnt the commandments of being a man, one of which is never fight another man over a woman, unless she’s your mother; at least not when she can see you both. Get him the next day for hitting you: never mind it was over her, he hit you man!! The man world is complex boy!!!